As news of the troubled loner’s initial mishap broke online, several influential figures in  the world of comic book geekery made thinly-veiled intimations that Mr Simpson could develop superpowers. Marcus Billington of PlanetwatchersX blog suggesting that ‘…that Simpson guy  will almost certainly realign his genetic structure and develop a number of ingenious spider-based crime-fighting abilities within the next 3-5 days. SCIENCE FACT!’

‘To be fair, it wasn’t just the spider,’ explained Mr Billington, speaking from his parents‘ home in Daventry ‘There was more to it than that. The fact that his names started with the same letter, for instance, was another strong indication that we were on the verge of a major genetical superpower breakthrough.’

Mr Simpson’s untimely demise is the latest in a number of disappointments for the geek community. For some time, geek blogs have been anticipating a ‘tipping point in genomic re-alignment’ that will produce a ‘messianic vigilante figure who to watch over us and prevent the crap being beaten out of us at work.’

For many comic book fans, the incident is an unwelcome reminder of the fate of physicist Lee Yong-Chui who became trapped underground during a nuclear weapons test in North Korea. In spite of news of Yong-Chui’s accident leaking online, Yong-Chui died several weeks later, having failing to vapourise a sinister foreign intruder, who went on to steal his VHS recorder.

‘Geek expectations are going to have to re-adjust, and quickly’ remarked home-schooled futurologist Marc Stevens of ‘Invincibility 360’ blog

‘I think we can expect to see more and more formerly mild-mannered-but-troubled types taking the Batman route: witnesings a crime as a child and then simply saving up lots of money for neat gadgets. Right now, simple resource management is a much safer bet.’

Pthr

‘Yes, the rumours about me being Superman are true,’ admitted Kent.  ‘I only wish I had some sort of power to stop the story getting out.  But the ability to fly and lift up trucks and see through solid steel is no match for Twitter.’

Kent, originally from Smallville, Kansas, admitted that it was becoming difficult for him as a journalist to question Metropolis celebrities while he himself had gone to court to stop people revealing that he was actually a superhero from the Planet Krypton.

‘I’d be interviewing innocent, upstanding celebrities like, say, a Top Gear presenter, TV chef or one of the stars of Downton Abbey, when all the time I was hiding this dark secret that I had used the law courts to keep my own secret out of the newspapers.  I thought, if these people don’t do it, then why should I?’

The so-called ‘Superman-injunction’ prevented the media from even reporting that there had been an original court injunction, and is said to have incredible powers similar to those of Clark Kent’s alter ego.  It can make celebrities seem like quiet, upstanding citizens, disguising their real identities as sexual superheroes capable of breath-taking acts about which ordinary people can only fantasize.

‘I feel so relieved now that the Superman-injunction is out in the open and I am no longer living a lie,’ admitted Clark Kent in a Daily Planet interview.  ‘In fact things would be perfect if only I hadn’t discovered that Lois Lane was shagging Ryan Giggs.’

Fortyman, so named because of his fearless ability to drive his 2-litre Rover Coupe at 40 miles per hour regardless of traffic, speed limits or road conditions, gained a wide following for his carefree disregard for authority and his own safety. Translated into German, Vierundsechzigkilometerprostundemann became a rallying figure for opponents of the Nazi regime later in the decade.

Fortyman’s ability to drive everywhere at unthinkable speeds averted many a potential disaster and saved countless damsels in distress. There was never any violence, just a cheery, ‘Hope I didn’t keep you waiting,’ on arrival at the scene, followed by his catch phrase, ‘Hop in, love,’ before he double-declutched his way into the sunset.

Sadly, as roads and cars improved in the post war years and road safety became a major issue, Fortyman’s popularity slowly waned, and his last adventure, Exeter Bypass, was published in 1963. His creators tried to update the character, for example by allowing him to speed up on motorways, and appear ‘virtually half-naked’ without driving gloves, but these innovations came too late.

Despite his demise, his legion of fans continued to wear the costume and drive their Rovers, and latterly Hondas, everywhere at a strict 40 mph, whether on fast roads or in congested urban areas, and many can still be found throughout Britain today. While other drivers find such behaviour infuriating, devotees remain unaware of a problem, largely because they share Fortyman’s disdain for using mirrors.

When one adherent was challenged recently, he said, ‘The blighters will have to catch me first!’ before driving over a busy pedestrian crossing and going the wrong way down a slip road at forty to make good his escape with a cheery beep of his horn.

‘I am an honest, law-abiding citizen and have every right to the privacy and anonymity that changing my side-parting allows me.’ Whilst most superheroes accepted that the cards were unavoidable, one wasn’t prepared to take it lying down. ‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said Dr Bruce Banner. ‘It’s an absolute outrage. In fact, every time I think about it, I just get so incredibly…’ were his final words before transmutating into an irate green giant and embarking on an enraged killing spree claiming 32 victims. He was later released without charge, as police could see no resemblance between the perpetrator and the photograph on his ID card.

Colleagues at the Daily Planet were reportedly stunned as Kent arrived for work bereft of his cunning disguise and trying to hide his features behind a newspaper. ‘It was suddenly obvious,’ stated fellow reporter Lois Lane, ‘I looked up from my morning coffee and there was Superman, doing the crossword at Clark’s desk!’ I don’t know why the citizens of Metropolis hadn’t noticed before to be honest.’

Superman’s arch-nemesis Lex Luthor has also expressed surprise at the revelation but believes that, in hindsight, the clues were there. ‘I thought it was a bit odd last week when, during a battle against my henchmen, he suddenly stopped blasting us with his heat ray and started blinking rapidly, muttering ‘It’s either fallen out or the bloody thing’s melted again.’ Next minute he’s on his hands and knees yelling ‘nobody move or you’ll step on it’.’

Kent’s exposure as Superman is the latest in a rash of superhero unmaskings, following hot on the heels of revelations regarding the caped crusader Batman. Billionaire playboy, industrialist, and philanthropist Bruce Wayne was named as Gotham City’s dark knight after a receipt for the Batmobile’s MOT and a bill for the Artexing of the Bat-cave’s ceiling were found in the bins behind Wayne’s Gotham City mansion. Ironically the discovery was made by reporter Clerk Kent, who was writing an article on the importance of shredding documents as a way of avoiding identity theft in the wake of the government’s new superhuman DNA database and ID card scheme. This article is still available on the Daily Planet website, complete with upside-down pictures by photographer Peter Parker.

jp1885 (thanks to Genghis and Mary Evans)

After years of terrorising Spiderman’s family and loved ones by thinking up ever-more ingenious ways to defeat him, the Green Goblin finally just left out giant bath tub. When he woke in the morning, he found the arachnid superhero floundering around in the bottom.

Spiderman was visibly exhausted as he had struggled throughout the night to climb up the ceramic sides of the bath only to slide back down again. The alarm was raised when a seven year old girl was heard screaming that there was ‘a great big spiderman in the bath’. Spiderman nearly drowned after she ran the cold tap for ages in the hope of flushing him away, only to be even more horrified to see him floundering around in the water.

It’s an ignominious end for the action hero who had foiled the Green Goblin’s attempts at world domination on countless occasions. New York chief of police expressed his sadness to this set back in the fight against crime; ‘What can you say about Spiderman? He does whatever a spider can. Unfortunately that does not include getting out of the bath.’ The Green Goblin was last seen flying off to get a sixteen foot tall glass and a twenty foot square piece of card to dispose of Spiderman once and for all.

It is widely being seen as the greatest humiliation for an action superhero since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were incapacitated by flipping them onto their backs.

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