Researchers who have developed a new genetically modified strain of chickens that are able to resist bird flu have denied claims they are actually cats.

‘Altering the chicken’s genes has had a minor cosmetic effect’, admitted lead scientist Professor Alan Song,  ‘there’s been a shortening of the wings and the feathers have taken on more of a fur like appearance, but flavour is unaffected even if the meat is a little stringy.’

Critics are unconvinced by these explanations though, pointing to the long slender tail, a mouth full of teeth, and purring.  Attempts to prove doubters wrong by releasing grainy footage of one of the chickens hatching has so far failed to convince, with Peter Wilson of the British Poultry Association claiming it is ‘just a kitten emerging from a pre-cut rugby ball’.

Programming expert Colin Berwick explained ‘we are extremely concerned by this new development. We’ve feared for some time that the usual glitches of frozen screens and error messages might mutate into new, even more annoying ways to frustrate users, but this is particularly worrying. Bugs that are resistant to turning off and on – that’s truly frightening.’

The Government has appealed for calm but warned that it could take up to six months to create and produce a vaccine against the new resistant strain. It did however admit that it isn’t really all that bothered as they’ve all recently bought ‘lovely new Macbooks’ on expenses.

Ablative Fabsolute

The Department of Health sanctioned the spending after statistics were presented by representatives of the major drug companies that showed an alarming rise in sick days experienced in mid-June every four years. The statistics showed that millions of sufferers were often struck down simultaneously on workday afternoons and would often be unable to return to work the next day, experiencing symptoms of a severity usually only seen in tropical birds such as parrots.

However devolved governments in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland slammed the spending, with spokesmen questioning whether such a thing as the World Cup even existed. International experts also suggested the action was alarmist, as even a severe outbreak of World Cup fever in heavily populated parts of England would as usual blow itself out after a couple of weeks.

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‘We may have a disaster on our hands.’ confessed Dr Paul Nunn of the WHO, writing in The Lancet. ‘The world could be without a major epidemic to fret about next winter. That would be unthinkable, leaving most of us with no media interviews, lucrative consultancies or entertainment from drug companies. We simply can‘t let that happen and we must protect ourselves, and, er, the population as a whole from the dire consequences.’

The nub of the problem is that there is no outstanding candidate for next season’s health crisis. Whilst the influenza virus is always a trusty standby, officials feel that swine ‘flu getting its second wind or a resurgence of SARS would be difficult to sell to a public which has become increasingly sceptical after a decade of unfulfilled pandemic panics since Y2K. Dr. Nunn admitted that he was rather keen on a super bug scare this year, perhaps linked to MRSA, whilst others were keen on developing a theory that obesity was caused by a virus found only in burgers and other foods eaten by fat people.

In an attempt to calm growing anxiety, Dr Neil Shrivan from New York’s Yeshiva University assured reporters at a press conference that researchers were well under way on developing this year’s frenzy of fear but he refused to reveal anything beyond saying that the disease was going to be ‘very nasty indeed.’

A spokesman for GlaxoSmithKline, the pharmaceutical giant, said last night. ‘We are watching developments closely. Obviously we don’t want the WHO to go for swine flu again as every government has stockpiled enough of the vaccine to treat everyone ten times over.’ The spokesman paused and added in a low voice, ‘Of course there is always the ‘new strain’ option. We believe momentum is building behind the concept of the swine and bird flu viruses forming a coalition. Pigs really might fly…’

‘We fear a Brummie epidemic,’ said Paul Jackson, professor of sociolinguistics at Walsall University, who is working on a vaccine, known locally as TamiFlow.

‘We have started an emergency inoculation programme for high risk groups, including pregnant women, who can protect their unborn children from developing Brummie in the womb.

‘We would like to reassure the general public that the vaccine is completely safe, although you may experience a slight Black Country inflection for a few days after the jab.’

A spokesman for Birmingham City Council read a prepared statement, but no-one understood what he said.

’2010 has been a terrible year,’ said Roger Mason, 41, from Wolverhampton, who described his investiture as Britain’s Gloomiest Man as ‘bloody typical’.

‘The weather’s been crap, I’ve had a cold the whole year and Man Utd have lost all their home games.

‘The only thing keeping me going is the sure-fire knowledge that next year will be even worse. Assuming of course we haven’t all been wiped out by terrorist attacks, swine flu or a Conservative government.’

‘Jumbled up together like that, they looked very similar to a formula for an anti-Swine Flu compound that I’ve been working on, but with the added element ‘Davo 4 Shazzer’.  I suddenly realised that this was the jigsaw piece I was looking for – it was a genuine eureka moment.’ 

Dr Gordon now intends to develop the cure for the benefit of mankind.  ‘All I need to do now is locate Davo and Shazzer, boil their bones down into a paste to use as a catalyst I can start saving lives.’

‘We thought we’d spell it out clearly,’ said a despondent Sir Liam Donaldson, the Chief Medical Officer. ‘Illnesses make you weaker – that’s what they do. There are no recorded instances of a rejuvenating bout of typhoid or a restorative case of the clap. I cannot stress strongly enough that life is a degenerative condition. Sadly, there’s no known cure for the stupidity that makes people swallow all these old wives’ tales, and as a doctor it really hurts when you can’t help a patient. Emotionally, that is, not physically. There‘s no pathogenic link.’

However, the media has been quick to criticise the study. A Daily Mail editorial attacked its ‘tedious capitulation to scientific rigour and lazy reliance on overwhelming empirical evidence‘, while a poll on page 24 found that 100% of its readers thought laughter was the best medicine. The edition also carried an interesting feature on the cancer-preventing properties of sherbet and an extract from Silvio Berlusconi’s autobiography in which he credits his full head of hair to the wind changing direction in 1957 and his hair staying that way.

But for 82-year-old Eileen Clarke, a retired housewife from Didcot and lifelong advocate of home-spun medical wisdom, the research has raised a doubt about time being the greatest healer. ‘My husband Alf is 91 now, and if I’m honest he’s getting worse rather than better. He’s smoked since the age of seven, and it’d never done him any harm – all four foot eight of him – right up until the tracheotomy.’

Although Eileen claims it was the Golden Delicious that kept her husband clear of doctors for so many years, she’s now concerned by the lack of carrots in hospital meals. ‘After his bladder’s got him up each night, the poor love loses his way and the nurses discover him trying to find a bed in the women’s ward down the corridor. Mind you, I did always tell him that sitting that close to the TV to masturbate wouldn’t do his eyes any good.’

Genghis Cohen (similar to a piece previously submitted by Snarkos)