‘It’s completely transformed our young men’, he said. ‘Since the scheme started six months ago, we’ve had no trouble at all with tearaways playing chess or flying kites. The young men now spend all their time studying the Koran online or learning advanced bomb-making techniques, including one I like the sound of – the ‘gang-bang’. And, on a personal note, my donkey no longer limps’.

One tired-looking teenager, who gave his name as ‘Omah’, said ‘it’s truly made a difference; I now study the Koran online into the early hours, when my parents are asleep. The only time I had a problem was when I asked the Mullah if he’d like me to burn him a copy’.

John Ffitch-Rucker

One leader said ‘while we welcome European visitors, we are concerned that they bring ‘Daily Mail Law’ with them. This barbaric system allows for shoplifters, car thieves, suspected murderers or anyone accused of being a ‘paedo’ to be publicly denounced then hung without any kind of judicial oversight.’

‘Admittedly, we do stone people to death for crimes -but we do at least have a council of elders review the case first. The supporters of the ‘Daily Mail Law’ don’t believe in such fair trials. Take the UK riots for example: people were put in prison for years just for proposing stealing something. We would only punish people caught stealing, not those proposing to do it on Facebook.’

The spokesman concluded ‘This legal system may have worked in the European Dark Ages, when burning people for witchcraft was common – but it is time to move on’.

Steve_l

‘One of the persistent problems we have in this country is people who are desperate to live the life of Riley on £65 a week’ explained a government spokesman, ‘and one of the persistent problems we have in Afghanistan is that there aren’t many good job opportunities. Having to talk to a heavily armed man in a turban will surely prevent anyone not genuinely in need from apply for Job Seeker’s Allowance whilst cutting Afghan unemployment figures. It’s a win-win for everyone.’

‘This is the kind of radical thinking that separates us from Labour’ explained David Cameron. ‘We will not rest until everyone is either working or dare not claim benefits, and we will not rest until the Afghan War is won – by one side or another.’

Dangerous weapons only suitable for those 13 or over

The Taliban has today displayed its progressive credentials by introducing a requirement for children to produce proof-of-age documentation confirming that they are 13 or over before they will be allowed to purchase firearms.

‘We recognise we need to be tough on youths roaming the streets with Kalashnikovs and hanging around mosques after prayers,’ said a Taliban spokesman today, ‘but we also need to protect our youngsters from exposure to these dangerous weapons.  Children are our future, and without them there will be no new generation of suicide bombers.’

The campaign is being launched in a blaze of publicity, with ‘Kill responsibly’ posters on display in Kabul shops and checkout notices warning customers that ‘If you are lucky enough to look pre-pubescent, please don’t be offended if we ask you for ID when you try to buy landmines’.

izziere

Afghan warlords come out of the study badly, but the Taliban are the worst, says report author Susan Davies, who found that while women compete equally with men on the battle-front, little has changed at home.

‘Attitudes have changed in some areas, but clearly not in others,’ she said. ‘Many Afghan men had no idea how to get blood-stains out of a robe. But some Taliban men seemed to think female blood was unclean.’

However, one Afghan warlord defended his domestic contribution, saying that helping in the kitchen is not really practical. ‘Every time I go in there, one of my older and less attractive wives has set herself on fire,’ he said.

(Cap doff to Oxbridge)

In a case of ‘three strikes and you’re out’, the Taliban have also been criticised for their vocal protests against the ‘un-Islamic’ organ music during the quarter finals against the Colorado Rockies, and their wholesale execution of the St. Louis Cardinals for refusing to grow beards.  ‘Such aggressive behaviour will not be tolerated,’ said a National League spokesman.  ‘We suggest they go back to wherever the hell it is they came from. Either that or take up ice hockey.’

The intro to the BBC’s new hard hitting cop series, The Tranny and the Taliban, had some mid-market TV critics choking on their croissants at a preview showing in West London this week. The Daily Mail in particular dismissed the show’s premise as ‘political correctness gone mad’ and ‘totally unrealistic.’ Even the normally liberal Independent warned ‘you may have to suspend disbelief a little’. But the show’s producers maintain that the gritty drama is an honest portrayal of modern Britain.
‘London is a highly multi cultural society,’ said the producer, ‘and OK we were forced to relocate the story in the Cotswolds for regional budget allocation reasons, but that doesn’t mean we are going to compromise our hard-hitting message about the battle between good and evil, with the odd minor parking offence thrown in.’

In the opening episode, Detective Constable Dave ‘Daphne’ Hooper, and DS Abdul Rahman Zahad, investigate a rich businessman who turns out to be an evil criminal with no redeeming qualities. The detectives enlist the help of a warm hearted prostitute in order to get the villain to confess his ruthless plan.

But even this story line has upset the English Collective of Prostitutes. ‘We are absolutely sick to death of being portrayed as Tarts with a heart. That whole schtick is an incredibly clichéd’ said a spokeswoman. ‘We’re a much broader church than that; we’ve got single mums, kiss-and-tell gold diggers and even drug addicts turning tricks. And yet, the media always concentrates on one small minority of philosophical, public spirited sex workers.’

‘We believe the show has some very touching moments between the action,’ claimed the producer. ‘The two unconventional cops learn to meet in the middle – the Taliban lightens up about Mohammed, Daphne tries on a burqa – it’s must-see TV.’

However the fiercest criticism has come from Mullah Abdul Salam Haqqabu, a rebel Taliban leader still at large in Afghanistan. ‘Like how could Daphne wear those shoes with that burqa, her bum looked huge! I mean, puh-lease, grey, with brown, this isn’t the Dark Ages darling!’