Art critic Brian Sewell said this amazing discovery offers ‘much greater realism and depth’. He added: ‘What we now know is that all the apostles are having different reactions to the news that Jesus has had the Beckham tattoo. Peter is angry, perhaps because the new technology shows that he has also had ‘a Beckham’, and no-one likes a copycat. The really interesting point is that in Jesus’ tattoo, Beckham is weeping; maybe because his hair has been cut quite short and is not very stylish.’

Underneath the tattoo, written in Latin, are the words ‘Great White Hope’. Leonardo, who played the lyre and was a great lover of puzzles, is thought to have sought inspiration from some lesser known Old Testament verses from the prophet Isaiah: ‘Verily I say unto you, a great white hope will appear in the West. For he will not have feet of clay, but will instead be nimble and wear Nikes. He will vanquish God’s enemies, particularly those cheating Portuguese bastards.’

Maggiemay

Be prepared for a life of celibacy

In a bid to update its image, the Scouting movement has taken the radical step of replacing old-style sew-on merit badges with a far more modern system of permanent and disfiguring tattoos.

‘This is all about embracing the now,’ argued a branding consultant today.  ‘Tattoos are very urban decay, very dangerous and a little bit Jean-Paul Gaultier.  That’s a place the Scouts really wants to be.’

The idea originated in Her Majesty’s prisons, where Baden-Powell’s ‘Scouting for Boys’ continues to be the most-requested library book. Inmates have long used tattoos to recognise excellence in heroin dealing, mobile phone ‘cavity smuggling’ and nonce-beating – the ‘badge’ for the latter depicting a scout leader tied to a campfire spit using traditional bowline and sheepshank knots.

Many of the most famous works of art in history are to be permanently altered in order to attract the interest of teenagers. The move will see the adding of tattoos and piercings to priceless works of art in National Gallery, Tate Britain and other major European galleries.

‘We have to reflect society’s current thinking on what actually constitutes beauty’ said Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell. ‘Painting tattoos onto famous paintings is simply adding embellishments that the artist would have included if they were alive today.’

Work has already started with the Rokeby Venus, by Velasquez, who now has a Harley Davidson style wing tattoo skillfully applied to her lower back. The Venus de Milo will soon have a prominent piercing through her navel. Manet’s classic ‘Dejeuner sur l’herbe’ will see the central naked lady figure’s arm wrapped in Maori symbolism, in deference to the influential artist Robbie Williams. In Seurat’s ‘Bathers at Asnieres’, the boy with the hat has had his forearm adorned in pointillistic style with his mother’s name in Hindi.

‘Just like real tattoos the alterations will be permanent. “They’ll be stuck with it for life,” said a tutting middle-aged curator. Many other works are expected to be affected including the Pre-Raphaelites and several portraits of the Queen, who will benefit from an eyebrow stud and teardrop tattoo under her eye.

This will re-engage thousands of teenagers who are currently unable to relate to the outmoded imagery and religious iconography in our galleries,’ added the Culture Secretary. ‘Now the Virgin Mary weeps because she has just run out of credit on her mobile phone.’

If the initiative proves a success, further expressions of modern beauty are likely to be added. It is understood that several Vermeer paintings will have holes punched in them so that chunky Argos jewellery and topical charity wristbands can be added, and the Mona Lisa may be livened up a bit with ring through her nose and fingerless gloves. And the mystery of her enigmatic expression is solved at last. She’s smiling because she’s listening to a good track on her iPod.

Team Biscuit (via submissions board)