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Posts Tagged ‘technology’

NHS to become online-only

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has calculated that the NHS could save billions if it operated as a computer model, like the Matrix, instead of as a real-world service trying to treat sick people in 3D.

‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.

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Posted: Oct 18th, 2014
More from Health



New iPhone ‘perfect for leaking your nude selfies’

Apple has claimed that the all-new iPhone 6 will take ‘the best and most easily leaked nudie photos yet’, during yesterday’s glitzy launch in California.

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Posted: Sep 11th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Driverless cars allowed on UK roads, once they have turned 17

Driverless cars won’t be allowed on Britain’s roads until they have passed their test, said a spokesman for the Department of Transport. And in the latest setback to the rapid introduction of the high-tech vehicles, it was revealed that the cars would not be allowed to apply for their test until they are at least 17-years-old and covered in acne. This could delay their introduction until 2031.

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Posted: Aug 5th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Dixons Carphone launch ‘FannyCock’ range

Already weary of dismal stand-up comedians and armchair satirists alike milking ‘dicks on car phone’ jokes, the newly merged Dixons Carphone company has hit back by announcing their new signature range of in-car communications will be branded ‘FannyCock’.

Head of Marketing Theo Holtom proudly said, ‘FannyCock is already a runaway success with pre-orders outstripping capacity, particularly in Thailand and Austria, oddly. We have been asked to bring out a range of phones and tablets for business users so jaded executives can say ‘Ya I’m on the FannyCock today, send me your spreadsheets and I’ll look at them on that’.

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Posted: May 18th, 2014
More from Business



Kindle launches dog-eared e-book for reluctant e-readers

readers 'will get there in the end'‘As well as the usual beverage spill marks, users can now simulate their own book stains simply by choosing a number of modes such as chocolate, blood and ‘unknown but brown and worrying’.’

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Posted: Feb 2nd, 2014
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