NewsBiscuit

A man who wishes to end it all in the manner of a suicide bomber is appealing against the refusal of the National Health Service to help him kill himself and everyone around him. ‘All I want to do is blow myself up’, said Colin Jessop, ‘but my doctor refuses to help me. He only has to pull the cord on my rucksack. But ‘Oh no’, it’s ‘medical ethics’ this and ‘Hippocratic Oath’ that. It’s political correctness gone mad.’

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Posted: Dec 14th, 2009
More from UK News

Gordon Brown has expressed a hope that there will be a terrorist atrocity somewhere on mainland Britain in the next 48 hours. ‘Either that or Prince William getting Amy Winehouse pregnant or something’ said an anonymous Downing Street source. ‘He’s holding out for any kind of change in the national news.’

‘We’ve not had a good week, the Prime Minister admitted candidly. ‘I think people want to see me at my most authoritative and statesmanlike, and that’s only ever really happened when terrorists have been setting fire to our airports and blowing up our trains. That turned out to be much easier than this nonsense about governing Britain. So a couple of planes flying into Buckingham Palace and the Westfield Shopping Centre might be just the thing.’

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Posted: Jun 4th, 2009
More from Politics

A suicide bomber primed to detonate 500 party poppers in a crowded London tourist spot failed because her explosives were quickly spotted and identified by a vigilant police officer, said a Home Office spokesman.

The terrorist suspect, who is now being held at London’s Paddington Green Police Station, managed to set off only one of the poppers before being wrestled to the ground by an off-duty police officer shopping with his wife in Covent Garden. ‘It was lucky she was wearing the poppers outside her burka,’ said PC Bill Watson, ‘otherwise it could have been 9/11 all over again.’

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Posted: Mar 24th, 2009
More from UK News

‘Terror alert status raised to peeved’

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Posted: Dec 2nd, 2008
More from World News