Evergreen television presenter Sir Terry Wogan has been declared a World Heritage Site by UNESCO, becoming the 28th presenter currently employed by the BBC to be awarded the status.’They cost a fortune to maintain, but ruinous ancients are very important to us,’ explained Mark Thompson, Director General of the BBC. ‘If we don’t keep investing in our national treasures, they could easily fall down. Just look at Oz Clarke.’

Wogan joins Stephen Fry and Sir Bruce Forsyth in being recognised as a unique example of early settled humans. ‘No-one is quite sure when they were first discovered, but it does feel like they’ve been around forever’, said Thompson. ‘We’ve even got records of some of them performing in black and white.’

The BBC is justly proud of its record on maintaining crumbling follies, and employs a team of preservation experts to keep them in top-notch condition. ‘We’ve nominated Anne Robinson on a number of occasions, but we couldn’t agree with UNESCO which parts were the original structure.’

‘Our heritage is important to us,’ continued Thompson. ‘They say history repeats itself, and I’m keen to continue that tradition – particularly in the daytime on BBC2.’

With a mixture of easy banter and sparklingly persuasive twinkly eyes, not to mention getting paid handsomely for charitable appearances, Wogan has all the credentials needed to make him a popular temporary Taoiseach. And with Eli O’Pace in the crucial, lyrical, whimsical yet professional role of Culture Secretary, the prospects of a new, reinvigorated Ireland seem secure until at least lunchtime most days, and possibly even beyond.

Wogan will also be taking on the Foreign Affairs portfolio himself citing years of experience with those overseas through Eurovision, where his insightful pronouncements on ‘what they’re up to’ have largely proved to be spot on. He does concede however that Ireland does not expect to win that particular European popularity contest, or for that matter any other, at least for the foreseeable future.

Janet and John will jointly take on the portfolio of Environmental Affairs, and both have been hard at work. After his meeting with Dutch Environment Minister, Birgitte Grootborst, John has already briefed Janet on how it is sometimes extremely environmentally important to stick your finger in a dyke, and Janet has found that environmentally friendly wind turbines continue to produce energy even when John is strapped to one of the blades.

‘It’s time to forget the past and move on,’ said Wogan, 93, ‘which is why after a few days I’ll be handing everything over to Chris O’Evans most mornings – lovely fella – and he’ll also be helping my Finance Minister Gay Byrne out with fiscal policy from time to time, as Gaybo does get very tired these days come Friday evening. We’ll sort out all we can and then the Irish people, God bless ‘em, can go to the polls and elect a better government than the one that’s just left. But looking at what we had, well, mark my words, Dustin the Turkey could be making a reappearance any time now.’

Wogan has removed light bulbs and plunged the studio into darkness, but continues to broadcast around the clock with his trademark mix of light amiable banter and awful limericks. Trained experts are attempting to contact Wogan with loudspeakers and via a mobile phone, but so far he has only responded to text messages from his listeners.

‘Ian from Kidderminster has just texted in to say,’ said Wogan with a soft chuckle, ‘that his missus is worried I’ve finally gone round the twist. Well, I all I can say is that I’m mad as hell… (throaty laugh) and I’m not going to take it anymore. Here’s Eve Cassidy…’

Wogan recently stepped down from the Breakfast Show, supposedly his own decision, to make way for younger presenter Chris Evans. The veteran broadcaster first hosted the show in 1972 and returned in 1993. The 71-year-old entered Television Centre in White City shortly after Monday’s 0600 news bulletin and has refused to leave since. He has blocked the doors with water bottles, tables and chairs and is said to be armed with either a 9-iron or a putter.

Superintendent Mike Blake, of the Metropolitan Police, said: ‘If we cut off the power or end his transmissions, we risk a bloodbath. Our only hope is that he gets tired of the sound of his own voice, although frankly that would would be a miracle.’

The BBC confirmed this week that Wogan, also affectionately known as ‘El Tel’, may have as many as eight million followers, many of whom have said they will declare a ‘Jihad’ in his name should he be harmed.

‘Now, what’s all this I hear,’ Sir Terry commented in his whimsical sing-song Irish brogue, ‘about me setting off a Holy War? It’s this young fellow-me-lad lad Evans, they say, he’s after your job. Now as many of you know, I’m not a one to make a martyr of meself, but suffice to say, they’ll have to pry this microphone from me cold dead fingers.’

Radio 2 controller Rob Shannon pleaded with Sir Terry to give himself up: ‘If Terry had a genuine grievance then he should have come to us and we’d have sacked him sooner. This is why it’s important to get rid of older presenters, before they go loopy and start taking hostages. We only just got to Moira Stewart in time.’

The government has announced that modern day knights of the realm are being signed up for active service in order to earn their titles. Sir Richard Branson, Sir Terry Wogan and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber are among the knights that will be joining the army to support the country’s overstretched armed forces. Defence Secretary John Hutton said ‘This country has hundreds of knights who are not actually living up to their name and we believe it is time they did their bit for their country in the manner of their predecessors.’

On Salisbury Plain Sir Bob Geldolf and Sir Michael Caine were already undergoing basic training, helping Sir Ian McKellen over the wall and under the barbed wire, while Dame Judi Dench completed a back-breaking five mile run alongside Dame Helen Mirren. Meanwhile a delegation of rock superstar knights, including Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Mick Jagger are due to be despatched to Helmund Province on a tour of duty under the command of Sir Tom Jones. The regimental marching band has noticed some changes, with girl fans weeping and screaming at their rendition of the national anthem.

Others are already on active service, where Sir Elton John has been involved in a skirmish with two Taliban fighters who he thought were trying to photograph him. Sir Elton had been sent to the region to advise the army on ‘head camouflage’. Sir Alan Sugar was reported to have divided the servicemen and women under his command into two teams who are now competing to find Osama Bin Laden. The girls team ‘Alan’s Angels’ have set up a business selling ‘Funky burqas for the fashion conscious Muslim’ and the boys say they are confident of finding Bin Laden, just as soon as they agree on a name for their team.

A spokesman for the MOD said ‘We are incredibly proud of the way in which the knights are rising to the challenge of military life and the British public are obviously very proud of the way our knights are now fighting in incredibly dangerous war zones’ adding ‘And we’ve already had thousands of requests that Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Michael Winner get knighted as soon as possible.’