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Posts Tagged ‘Tesco’

‘Mafioso could be behind burger threat’ warn NYPD

A leading Hollywood producer has gone into hiding after waking early on Monday morning to find a pack of Tesco own brand beef-burgers defrosting in his bed.

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Posted: Jan 17th, 2013
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Football widow refuses to wear black armband

A Liverpool football widow has caused outrage by refusing to wear a black armband in her husband’s match day absences.

Despite demands from Liverpool FC manager Brendan Rodgers and senior club officials, Mrs Doris Whittaker 69, has steadfastly refused to comply with requests to show respect for other football widows throughout the UK. Mrs Whittaker was given the armband during a Saturday afternoon shopping trip to Tesco where other football widows sported the armbands with pride.

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Posted: Nov 8th, 2012
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Supermarkets on the offensive as ‘BOGOF’ becomes ‘POOFACE’

Britain’s supermarkets, recognising that referring to ‘Buy One Get One Free’ as ‘BOGOF’ has seen the term enter into everyday parlance, are reportedly ‘going on the offensive’ to find new, catchy ways of insulting their customers.

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Posted: Oct 7th, 2012
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Supermarkets buying whole towns: Tesco bag ‘Sale’

A town in the North-West has today become the first to be bought outright by a supermarket chain. Tesco bought ‘Sale’ for an estimated £10 Million, in a bid to secure the word for their sole use.

The ancient ‘on-the-market’ town has been available to buy since 1978. Signs erected at every entrance to the town were clearly marked ‘Sale’, but up to now there has been very little interest. Tesco CEO Phillip Clarke snapped up the ‘Value’ town as soon as he saw it, and sees it as a great opportunity.

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Posted: Oct 5th, 2012
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Royal Jubilee engagements causing backlog of unopened supermarkets

Supermarket giants including Tesco and Sainsbury’s have led angry calls for the Royal Family to ‘stop fannying about for the Jubilee’ after news emerged that forty fully-stocked supermarkets have been left unopened for months.

‘We’ve been continuing to expand our operations across the United Kingdom,’ said Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke. ‘But since this Diamond Jubilee nonsense started, we’ve been left with 17 stores ready to go but unopened because the Royals are all booked up reading the weather or dancing with Usain Bolt in Jamaica or sailing down the bloody Thames.’

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Posted: Jun 1st, 2012
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