'R U UP 4 GOING FRM 2 TO 3?'

Two complete strangers who embarked upon an erotic text-messaging relationship have agreed to part after the spark went out of their affair.  ‘In the early days we were texting each other three or four times a day, sometimes keeping each other up all night,’ said 07689 732190.  ‘But I suppose it inevitably happens in all relationships, and it wasn’t long before ‘I WNT 2 MK LUV 2 U ALL NITE’ became ‘DO I HV 2? MAN U 2-0 UP’.

‘In the beginning he’d spend hours whipping me up into a frenzy with his talk of ‘SLO LUVIN’ and all the ways he was going to give me an ‘O’,’ reminisced 07983 427935.  ‘But after a while I was lucky to get two quick texts before a ‘TA LUV. FART. SNORE’.  And by the time we’d reached the stage of ‘GV ME 1 WLD U? TANKS R FULL’, I knew it was over.’

‘She’s had a mobile phone since she was six months old, but she still hasn’t written her first text message,’ they explained. To give her a head start with her communication skills, the couple have avoided talking directly to her, bombarding her with SMS messages instead in the hope that she will pick up the language that way. ‘We’ve sent her picture texts and smiley emoticons but we just feel we are not getting anything back.’

The two year old girl, called K8, is now undergoing a series of psychometric tests and cognative ability checks to ascertain whether her communication issues are part of a wider problem with her intellectual development. ‘K8’s older brother and sister were way ahead of K8 by this age,’ recalls her mother.

Kvn, the eldest of the Easter children wrote his first words aged just 18 months. Natalie recalls how she awoke at 3am to find the message ‘I ve 2 p’ from their first child. His mother then frantically texted ‘omg’ to her husband and the couple exchanged a further series of joyful electronic communications on the subject, and only five minutes later a second message arrived, saying ‘sry 2 L8’.

‘I’d not actually seen him ‘FTF’ since I’d recharged his phone the week before and rushed to his room at which he asked me ‘hu d f R U?’ It was magical. And I’m just not getting anything like that from my daughter. The doctors have tried asking her what’s wrong, and why she is being so unco-operative. But she wouldn’t reply to their MSN messages either.’

See also:
Twelve days after an unanswered text woman accepts relationship may be over

Formally known as ‘Proficiency in Construction and Interpretation of Short Message Service Prose and Grammar’, the course will include a practical exam in which will count towards 50% of the final mark; ‘Kids are already taking their mobiles into their GCSE’s and texting each other all the answers,’ said a spokesman for the Department of Education, ‘This is just heading into the problem.’

The department claimed that this innovation represented a genuine attempt to engage with modern trends in youth culture and was not just an easy way to achieve Government education targets. ‘We’ve had a think-tank looking at this for a while now, it’s time that we introduced a formal qualification in this area before the current standard of texting and text-speak degenerates.’ Although the pass rate is expected to be high, students who fail the course will be notified by text message; U hv fld ur GCSE – soz

If the GCSE Texting is a success, then further new exams will be rolled out in 2009. These include ‘Proficiency in Internet Based Social Interaction’ or ‘Bebo-ing’, and ‘Urban Interaction in the Community’ which is basically ‘Mucking About in Shopping Centres and Calling Any Adult Who Tells You off a Paedo,’

The move has seen some heavy criticism from traditionalists such as University Professor John Sixsmith; ‘Soon we will see thousands of young people with meaningless qualifications that are easy to achieve and have no credibility with employers or academics alike’ said the Head of Media Studies at the University of Bracknell.