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Posts Tagged ‘Tony Blair’

Neolithic Chilcot Report discovered

Nearly 100,000 pages of monolithic prose have been found buried near Stonehenge, making it the largest monument to landfill in Britain. This mysterious ruin was concealed under several hundred tonnes of earth, invoices for Iraqi guns and gag orders from solicitors representing Messrs T. Blair & A. Campbell.

The 4,500-year-old manuscript, was discovered using ground-penetrating radar and from the overwhelming reek of ‘bullsh@t’ emanating from it. Generations of hippies are expected to make pilgrimages to the area under the banner ‘Make love not war…unless you have a specific 45 minute warning’.

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Posted: Sep 17th, 2015
More from UK News

Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners

women strangely attracted to those on the edge of societySources close to Tony Blair claim that the former Prime Minister has recently begun to receive a deluge of letters from the kind of women who normally write explicit correspondence to well-known violent prisoners.

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Posted: Sep 14th, 2015
More from From The Archives

Odds on a Queen’s replacement shorten

A week of celebrations for a glorious reign has been marred by a leaked news report that Her Majesty has not nominated a successor. Members of the Privy Council have suggested that a president be either appointed or elected, on the grounds that ‘there is no family member who appears suitable for the job’.

Having employed the Prince of Wales as a ‘monarch stand-in’ for the Order of the Bath service, it has become apparent that the country needs a Head of State that can re-enact Pete & Dud routines not just hackneyed Goons impressions…

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Posted: Sep 9th, 2015
More from UK News

Chilcot appearance on Just A Minute “longer than 45 minutes”

Sir John Chilcot’s debut appearance on Radio 4 panel show Just a Minute has received a critical mauling, after he hesitated more than any other player in the programme’s history and caused Monday evening’s edition to last fourteen hours instead of the usual thirty minutes.

The former civil servant and independent inquiry chair appeared on the panel alongside series regulars Paul Merton, Sue Perkins and former foreign secretary Jack Straw. As usual, Chilcot was asked to speak for sixty seconds without repetition, deviation or hesitation, but after an initial burst of energy (on the topic ‘the terms of this inquiry’) he rapidly dried up and dragged the proceedings out far longer than anybody else could ever have anticipated.

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Posted: Sep 1st, 2015
More from Arts/Entertainment

Bin Laden cassettes ‘a dangerous collection of 80s cheese’

It has been revealed today that a collection of audio cassettes seized from Osama Bin Laden’s abandoned Afghan compound, actually contain an alarming amount of 80s pop tunes.

Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.

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Posted: Aug 31st, 2015
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