Sources close to Mr Brown are claiming that he and Mr Blair reached a deal in 2006 that Mr Blair would move on after four or five years, handing over to his former Chancellor. But Mr Blair’s aides deny that such an agreement would ever have been struck. ‘There’s no way Tony could have reached such a deal,’ said a spokesman. ‘You only have to look at how little he’s managed to achieve between Israel and Palestine to see that there’s still not a snowball’s chance in hell of agreeing to anything with Gordon.’

Diplomats and officials across the region and in Western capitals were scrambling to relieve tensions after Mr Brown’s comments were overheard while he was making a phone call from the back of his car. ‘It’s that Sue’s fault,’ said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. ‘When is she going to remember to turn his bloody microphone off, the silly cow?’

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, meanwhile, was more sanguine. ‘Maybe Gordon Brown wouldn’t be all that bad,’ he said. ‘We were worried that John Prescott would be next – he stood in for Tony for a week last summer and ended up causing two Intifadas and punching the prime minister of Lebanon in the face. I’d rather have a mobile phone thrown at me than go through all that again.’

See also: Brown wants to be middle East envoy

‘My back was only turned for a few seconds’ says Alec Dunning in his autobiography “Back from the Nit Nurse”, ‘but when I looked at my maths book someone had drawn a big hairy knob on the front cover. Gordon was trying to look all innocent, but I knew it was him.’

Mr Dunning’s book is the latest in a series of memoirs written by former pupils of Kirkaldy West Primary School that dish the dirt on the turbulent school days of Mr Brown. Earlier this year Mandy Peterson told in her book how the young Gordon had flown into a rage after she had accused him of picking his nose and eating it. ‘He started screaming that I was a Joey Deacon and then pulled my hair. I was distraught until the end of morning playtime.’ Alex Camborne also told in his book how the young Gordon had asked him if he collected stamps. ‘I was a keen philatelist so said yes, only for him to stamp on my foot, shouting ‘there’s one for your collection!’’.

Dunning also confirms many of the allegations made in previous books of the ongoing feud between Gordon and another boy, Toby Blaine. ‘They were always at each others’ throats,’ Dunning writes. ‘Gordon would get top marks in maths and would mock Toby for it, then Toby would come top in creative writing and rub Gordon’s nose in it. But it really came to a head when Toby was told he could play Joseph in school nativity. Gordon was adamant that he’d agreed with Toby that he could play Joseph that year, but Toby wasn’t going to step aside, so Gordon tried to get the rest of the class to back him. It split the class in two – some of them wanted Gordon to have a go, the rest thought Toby was the best Joseph. In the end they played conkers for the role and Toby won, but Gordon was convinced he’d pickled his conker in vinegar so gave Toby a wedgie.’

Dunning added that Gordon didn’t get his chance to play Joseph until his final year at the school after Toby’s parents had moved away from the area. ‘Poor Gordon, it was his big chance but the production was a shambles that year – Toby’s best mate played the inn-keeper and told him there wasn’t room in the stable either, and Joseph and Mary had a row next to the manger about whether they should sell the gold, frankincense and myrrh to pay off their debts. In the end most parents went to watch Kirkaldy North’s nativity instead.’

Shrugging off the events of the last few days, Colonel Gaddafi has put the blame squarely on ‘disaffected youth’ attributing it to a broken society that he was absolutely determined to fix. He repeated his ministers’ assertions that it was a ‘one off’, but insisted that, untackled, the unrest would lead to yet more problems down the line and that, God willing, the fightback begins today, with sticks, genital electrodes and lots and lots of cattle prods as ‘it’s the only language these people understand’.

Early indications are that the punishments will indeed be severe with one ‘rebel’ claiming the government’s swift justice meant he’d had both his legs chopped off simply for drawing a moustache on a picture of Gaddafi. ‘I know I did wrong, but still, I think it’s a tad harsh,’ he rued. ‘I won’t be doing that again, that’s for sure, so fair play to the authorities there. It’s not that my anger at the injustice and unfairness of all of this has really subsided. It’s mostly because I can’t reach.’

‘You see these things going on all over the world and inevitably once in a while the problems will land at your door,’ said Gaddafi in an audio message recorded while in transit from his holiday home to his hideaway home to sort everything out. ‘Luckily my good friend and confidant Tony Blair has written about this extensively in the Observer which was very useful and he’s here with me now, helping me pack, and giving me lots of advice on how to avoid the International Criminal Court.’

However, commentators and observers in general continued to assert that Gaddafi was completely off his trolley, but had to concede that his offer to use his country’s oil wealth to prop up British banks in exchange for a little more time to sort things out at home was pretty persuasive. ‘It’s something we’re actively considering if it will help us save money by not having to bomb him anymore, reduce our deficit and let this crisis come to a natural close,’ said a foreign office spokesman. ‘All that money, eh? Coming our way? We’d need something with a certain ring to it, I think, as is customary in these circumstances. How about ‘Lord Gaddafi of Basingstoke’?

‘Obviously, he’d be a non-dom.’

(from the original idea by Deimos and Steve_l)

‘From anyone else these accusations would prompt very serious questions, but unfortunately from Ms Mills they just make you roll your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and go la, la, la,’ said Tory MP John Whittingdale, head of the media select committee. ‘We’re dealing here with a woman who, even if she told you herself that she only had the one leg, you’d still do a quick count to be on the safe side. She thinks veracity’s a fashion designer. How can we choose between them? It’s impossible – why couldn’t I be asked to decide on something simpler like whether to turn off someone’s life support machine?’

Fellow committee member Tom Watson MP agreed. ‘Christ, and then you’re left with the option of believing Piers Morgan – a guy who is rumoured to have given a false name during his wedding vows. If his pants were anymore aflame, you’d think Hell was having an open day.’

After discussing the matter for over nine gruelling hours on the day following Ms Mills’ allegations, the Committee was no closer to knowing who to believe. ‘You would imagine that coming from a world knee-deep in Nixons, Clintons, Aitkens and Archers this would be shit off a bull’s back,’ said MP Louise Mensch. ‘But this is probably the first time I’ve encountered two people capable of four-faced lying.’

Labour MP Jim Sheridan added it ‘would be immensely helpful to the work of the committee if both Morgan and Mills would agree to appear before MPs, and then on their way in, drive off a cliff.’

While the Committee’s deliberations continue, Ms Mills has made futher allegations claiming that while in Piers Morgan’s company he admitted he was a warlock and that she witnessed him drink the blood of kittens. In turn, Mr Morgan has sought to draw a line under the matter by arguing that while the alleged illegal hacking was taking place he was playing cards with close friends royal butler Paul Burrell and former Prime Minister Tony Blair. ‘If anyone doubted my word, there’s no way they’d doubt Paul’s and Tony’s,’ he said.

Though many of them are former associates of one-time Sun editor Rebekah Brooks, with some even being convicted expense fiddlers and dodgy document forgers, the shamed redhead’s crimes have provoked fury even among the MP community.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I pulled some strokes in my time,’ said Alistair, who once forged a dossier that was used for an illegal war in which half a million lives were lost, ‘but what this redhead has done really sickens me. If I could get my hands on her, I don’t know what I’d do.’

Another rioter, Gordon, was seen banging his clunking fist on the roof of the van and shouting obscenities. ‘To think that I went to this monster’s wedding and invited her around to my house sickens me,’ said Gordon. ‘My mate Tony even changed the law in order to please her.’

The conviction of the redhead has brought the Westminster village together, with members who would normally have no time for each other now standing shoulder to shoulder in condemnation. ‘You faaa-king sllaaaagg!’ shouted David, an old Etonian, who ran after the police van waving his fist.

Now the clamour to change the law on redheads is growing. ‘People have a right to know if there’s a redhead living next door,’ said a black-haired sponsor of ‘Rebekah’s Law’. ‘People have a right to know if a ginger neighbour is eavesdropping on them or is engaged in corrupt acts.’

Though opponents of ‘Rebekah’s Law’ argue that some red-haired people will go to ground by dyeing their hair or wearing a hat, supporters insist that the law is essential and are organising a ‘Rebekah’s Law’ march through Bradford tomorrow.

‘If there was still a News of the World, its editor would be backing us,’ one supporter said. ‘Assuming of course, she wasn’t a redhead.’

In a final twist, Rebekah Brooks walked free from her police van, after all the police escorting her resigned and were arrested soon after.

‘We became suspicious when we noticed an ever greater volume of packages coming in and out of Buckingham Palace,’ said Sir Alan Reid, Keeper of the Privy Purse. ‘It seems that of an evening Her Majesty was retiring to the royal chamber to surf the net for knock-off corgi paraphernalia, rare Daniel O’Donnell imports and Andy McNab first editions. She even tried to keep her spending sprees under wraps by using a variety of logins such as LusciousLiz, HelenMirrenInDisguise and LonelyGirl85.’

At the height of the Queen’s eBay obsession officials say it took two staff working full time to provide buyer feedback on her purchases and to pop all the bubble-wrap. ‘And for a while she seemed to get double the quantity of whatever she ordered,’ continued Reid. ‘We later discovered that in the quantity box she kept entering ‘One wants one’, so sellers were sending her two of everything.’

It is believed Her Majesty was introduced to the internet auction site by Cherie Blair who waxed lyrical about how ‘people would buy anything, even scrap bits of paper with Tony’s signature scrawled on’. Later the same evening the Queen registered as a seller on eBay in order to offload the gifts she had received from foreign dignitaries over the years, including 29 Breville Sandwich Toasters, 52 George Foreman grills and a selection of what her husband described as ‘dodgy-looking African wooden things’.

However, not everything Her Majesty tried to flog was a success. ‘At one point she attempted to sell access to Princes Edward and Andrew, but embarrassingly neither auction ever received a bid in excess of the reserve price of £5.’

Since the Queen’s Paypal account was frozen, Prince Charles is said to have developed an interest in eBay. ‘He’s got his eye on a second-hand crown, but he’s becoming increasingly frustrated that while he’s leading the bids, the auction still has years remaining.’

OllieP (hat-tip to Curbie Firetank)

Lovers of risqué puns could barely contain their delight today as the Ed Balls scandal continued to simmer.  Guffaws were heard when Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, refused to be blamed for the fact that Balls had been thrust into the spotlight.

To compound the controversy, senior Whitehall sources suspect that the leak, which caused outrage in the Commons, can be traced back to Balls.

‘It certainly has a whiff of Balls about it,’ said one. ‘I think this came out now so it wouldn’t come out later. It would be catastrophic to have Balls exposed during a leadership challenge, although I’m sure many Tories would be delighted by just that.’

Tony Blair provided extra unintentional mirth when he spoke frankly about his period of handover.  He told New Statesman ‘I couldn’t help but notice that Brown had Balls wrapped around his little finger.’

Supporters of the Shadow Chancellor accused his detractors of mud slinging, and complained that Balls had been smeared all over most of the morning’s tabloids – an unintentionally graphic image that provoked howls of laughter.

The man at the heart of the controversy seemed relaxed when we asked him for a comment.  ’I think it’s bollocks,’ he said simply.

pthr

‘I make no apologies for the tone of my language but I have to say that Gaddafi’s behaviour has been entirely, yes, entirely inappropriate,’ said Mr Blair. ‘You can’t go around shooting innocent people unless you have first gone through the proper legal channels and then conveniently ignored them. Where would we all be if everyone behaved like he has?’

He continued to reminisce about his period of office as Prime Minister. ‘My government never flinched from our responsibility to protect our citizens and we were tough on anti social behaviour and tough on the causes of anti social behaviour. Taking this experience into consideration, I can see no reason why we shouldn’t take the same action on Col Gaddafi and impose the ultimate sanction of a United Nations Anti Social Behaviour Order on him immediately.’

Mr Blair paused to explain to the assembled world’s press what an ASBO was. ‘We found these to be very effective with miscreants of all shapes and sizes,’ he eventually continued. ‘I certainly didn’t see any trouble after we introduced them. Well, certainly not in Downing Street anyway.’

‘Of course we expect the ASBO to be fully effective, but it doesn’t work we will have to authorise a UN parachute invasion and troops will march Gaddafi to the nearest cash point machine and force him to draw out a bad behaviour fine of £50. That will bring him into line.’