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Posts Tagged ‘tories’

Countdown to general election: the nation rejoices

The by-elections in Clacton and Heywood have led to bunting being put up and spontaneous dancing in the streets across the land as it finally dawned on the electorate that a general election is only months away.

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Posted: Oct 10th, 2014
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Cameron promises voters free ice-skating ‘when hell freezes over’

In his pre-election speech to the Tory Party Conference last week, David Cameron promised that all taxpayers would receive free ice-skating passes, just as soon as he and George Osborne had managed to engineer the freezing over of hell.

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Posted: Oct 5th, 2014
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Fruit-picker promises jam in 6 years’ time

‘I don’t know why there’s no jam yet’, said a customer of the fruit-picker.

‘He’s been gathering our plums for the last 4 years. We’re renegotiating a fresh 5 year contract, and he says we’ll see some jam in 2020.’

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2014
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Gove to privatise child abuse

'why should the state sector have all the fun?'Michael Gove has announced he’ll hand responsibility for all child abuse to private companies like G4S, Atos and Serco. Mr Gove told the media it was ‘inappropriate and wrong’ for past child abuse to be largely the responsibility of public bodies like the BBC, state-run care homes, the NHS and Liberal MP Cyril Smith.’

The Education Secretary said: ‘At a time of economic challenge it’s crucial we don’t leave child abuse to Labour-supporting BBC celebrities who are paid millions of pounds by licence fee payers. Even some religious institutions are claiming state funding for their special kind of hurting of children. Equally, the cost of child abuse in local authority and other state-provided institutions has got out of hand. That’s why teachers in Free Schools will have a freer hand in this respect. One simple form of abuse will be to deny children in Free Schools free school meals.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2014
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Conservative Party to adopt new ‘jackboot’ logo in place of tree

SchweinhundsThe Conservative Party has decided to rebrand itself as ‘The Workers Party,’ following poor opinion poll ratings among low-waged workers in marginal constituencies.

They have also been urged by constituency MPs to replace the party’s logo – currently a green tree – because it no longer reflects the party’s aspirations and the leader’s determination to ‘get rid of all this green crap.’

A backbencher has suggested adopting a boot as the party’s new symbol, to suggest sympathy with hardworking Brits who, as a consequence of the global economic crisis of 2008, have had to show resilience and fortitude by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. However, a graphic design consultancy asked to submit some preliminary images said it was difficult to make the bootstraps stand out in silhouette, and suggested the party might prefer to use the more classic outline of a military jackboot instead.

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Posted: Feb 26th, 2014
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