‘We already receiving enquiries and advance orders,’ said an M&S spokeswoman. Made of hard wearing ‘Jesus-era’ linen, the shroud will be available bearing an image of a crucified man in clear black-and-white negative or in natural softer sepia and is the first in M&S’s new ‘Jesus Nazarene’ range of women’s clothes. Mary Magdalene bras and knickers are expected to be available at Whitsun.

‘Our Turin Shroud will be covered by our usual returns guarantee,’ said the spokeswoman, ‘but we cannot make refunds for unauthenticated shrouds returned after 4000 AD.’

‘The producers of the show had arranged for a group of pupils from a local primary school to come in and exhibit their drawings and paintings with me.  One of the pupils said it would be nice if I’d do a self-portrait for them to hang up in the school.  I readily agreed and quickly knocked up a self-portrait on an old BBC canteen table cloth.’

The entertainer cum artist is at a loss to explain how the ‘Shroud of Harris’ found it’s way to Turin, or how the painting could have been mistaken for Jesus Christ.  ‘It was actually supposed to be one of my trademark Rolferoos, but I wasn’t actually particularly good at drawing back then.’

The mistake was noticed half way through the economy spin cycle after a cardinal raised the alarm that the shroud had gone missing.

‘I just couldn’t believe it,’ said cleaner Rosa-Maria Delarosa. ‘The bishop himself came running in and asked where the shroud was. You should have seen their faces when I explained. It was like something you see in one of those prank shows. I half expected a TV crew to pop out any minute. Sadly they didn’t.’

Rosa, who is two months into a three month contract which she still hopes will be renewed, explained how the mix up happened. ‘I just thought it looked so dirty that I put it in the wash with the priest’s vestments and everything else. I thought it was just an old rag, it was so smelly.’ Without realising it, Rosa may have also opened a new debate on the authenticity of the shroud. ‘I pretty much followed the washing instructions on the label. I did add some fabric conditioner, so on the plus side it feels much softer now.’

The Vatican was forced to admit the error after a gay Christian group had claimed that the ‘miracle of the pink shroud’ was proof that God was tolerant and welcoming to gays. However, a Vatican spokesman said they would rather admit the shroud is a fake than change their stance on homosexuality, adding: ‘Look the shroud also shrunk; are you saying that Jesus was a dwarf too?’

Vatican spin doctors have since been battling to contradict the damaging headlines in the Italian tabloids. One cardinal was seen shouting into his mobile phone; ‘No, the Pope did not say ‘Jesus ‘was a gay dwarf.’

(first published 1/2/07)