The change will mean the end of confusion over the meaning of URLS such as therapistfinder.com. Soon you will simply be able to type The Rapist Finder.com. Online stationery supplier penisland.net is bracing itself for a 99% reduction in its hit count, while staff at Italian electricity supplier powergenitalia.com will finally be less embarrassed by their company email addresses.  Google will, for the first time, be known under the more appropriate name, Go Ogle.

Bloggers were quick to react to the news.  ‘Internet to be litterate??? WTF Wot is problm anywhay?’ said LimeWireJunkie27, (not his real name).  ‘They shud stop changng intrface on Twitter, coz new 1 is stupd.’  Twitter users also welcomed the new development ‘Perhaps the computer scientists will allow us to use more than 140 characters for one individual Tweet?  Because at the moment I find that ‘

Boutros

One of the Prime Ministers closest aids commented ‘You have no idea how difficult our job is when faced with somebody of his background and upbringing. His Bullingdon background has shielded him from exposure to minorities and part of his psyche does not accept their existence. That belief, together with his strong sense of superiority makes it so difficult to temper his outbursts. Right from the start we discarded teams of weapon carrying bodyguards, and today the teams of suits you see accompanying him on public appearances are all advisers and censors – mainly preparing public apologies for immediate release’.

For several months Labour MPs have been trying to persuade the Prime Minister to get himself a Twitter account. Dianne Abbot (MP) commented ‘The great thing about Twitter is that you can put your foot in your mouth and continue to Tweet without difficulty’

Deimos

‘It’s the nightmare scenario,’ said a spokesman from Jane’s Decency Review, ‘A Twitter attack can be launched any time, any place, and there’s little you can do about it.’

Last week, after luring thousands of people into her world, one Tweeticide bomber launched a full front attack on their self esteem. Having gained their confidence with some work related semi useful information, she then launched wave after wave of Improvised Emotional Demoralisers (IEDs), with aspirational bombshells designed to cut anyone’s self esteem to pieces. First came a reference to a happy family scene. There followed a series of shocking revelations about ecstatic gift receiving incidents. Next, she boasted how much she loved the Christmas TV entertainment on show, twisting the metaphorical bayonet she’d just plunged into many reader’s hearts. ‘Only one in ten people enjoy anything on telly these days, and that’s usually ruined by someone talking over it,’ said an expert. ‘To discover that someone else is living the dream is like a form of reverse Schadenfreude.’

But worse was to follow. The reverse Schadenfreude technique, say experts, is merely the softening up processes, in preparation for the big bang. ‘Having a fab Xmas in our new holiday cottage that hubby did such a brilliant job converting,’ said a typical Tweet. With its implications of contentment, stress free property development, excessive wealth and a mutually supportive marriage, the tweet carries all the critical elements that could devastate most mortals.

The evolution in terror techniques was in response to heightened awareness about traditional round robins, whose predictability made them easier to detect. But the new tweet-powered round Robins, being shorter and punchier, have a devastating range and can find their target wherever they are.

‘Be very very careful who you follow on Twitter,’ said one expert, ‘as soon as you detect any sign of smugness, we advise you to get out and stay out. Don’t go back, no matter what, as that would be emotional suicide.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but only in very small doses’ Porche, 19, from Essex told us. ‘I would rather go to Next.co.uk or play Dwane at poker on Facebook.’

A leading psychologist explained that modern technology, and a seemingly endless connection to the internet, has meant the deterioration of ‘quality family time’ at Christmas. ‘I could go on to explain the reasons that people are more attached to the internet than they are to their families, and why attention spans are decreasing, but why bother. This quote will be at the end of your report so no one will read it.’

Sally Pinnock, 26, claimed she had no idea that her posting would have such dramatic consequences. The mother of two young girls, Beckieee (7) and Shazzam (4), went on to explain exactly what happened.

‘I apologise profusely for the problems caused by my ill-informed tweet yesterday. I had no idea that not only were my words upsetting to true Bieber fans, but by adjusting the TCP packet containing the tweet with a negative SYN value that it might somehow invalidate the ARP cache in my ISP’s routers, leading to a possible buffer overrun, race condition and severe packet loss for all network users. I compounded this accidental error by appending seventy-two bytes of hexadecimal code to my tweet which seemed to have triggered a previously unknown vulnerability in Cisco’s IOS router code, leading to unauthorised yet silent privilege escalation and hijack of eight of the core DNS servers for the .COM network. In addition, after carelessly using Photoshop to create a naked image of Bieber with well-known British TV comedian, Harry Hill, I may have by chance discovered a bug in Adobe’s JPEG discrete cosine transformation code, as the resultant JPEG file by pure chance contained rogue executable code that somehow managed to build a botnet of around 150,000 compromised Windows XP and Vista computers by around lunchtime.’

‘I assure everyone that I have learned from this, and in future, I will keep my thoughts to myself, however I must add that I still think Bieber takes it up the bumhole **ATX++++cf74f3e797a4a3d0b040b89419c.’

‘We wanted to produce a nativity that today’s parents and children could relate to,’ said Neil Thomas, headteacher at St Stephen’s primary school. ‘However, in hindsight we lost a lot of the drama the moment Mary and Joseph realised they could just submit their tax return online. After that most of the action took place in the couple’s front room as they sat at their laptops and updated their Facebook statuses. Still, everyone loved the Moira Stewart character, and her ‘tax doesn’t have to be taxing’ line really stole the show.’

Observers noted that the only dramatic tension in the play occurred when Mary and Joseph briefly had trouble registering with the Inland Revenue website after their broadband connection kept cutting out. ‘For a while it looked as if they would actually have to make the journey to the tax office,’ said one parent, ‘but when they started looking into accommodation and were told there was no room at the Premier Inn, Joseph simply did a quick web search for the nearest Travelodge. There was even some talk of them travelling by donkey, but Mary wouldn’t hear of it and booked a car online with Hertz using her smartphone.’

Later, after the birth of baby Jesus, instead of being visited by three wise men Mary and Joseph were doorstepped by three paparazzi who were guided to the newborn infant’s home not by a star, but by hacking into his parents’ voicemail. News of the birth was then publicised through a combination of intrusive tabloid sleaze stories and Tweets trending with the hashtags #virginbirth, #hotpregnanttaxpayers, and #iamthechosenone. The scriptwriters were careful, though, to prevent any opportunity for Joseph to Google the phrase ‘Virgin pregnant wife riding an ass’.

But despite the mixed reaction for the play, teachers and parents alike agreed that the birth scene was a success. ‘We were particularly proud of our updated concept of the manger,’ said the headteacher. ‘Having carefully considered modern alternatives to an inadequate, under-resourced facility with no competent medical staff to hand, we set the birth scene in a present-day NHS maternity ward.’

Baron had spent months planning her expedition, and took advice from Ranulph Fiennes. ‘Ranulph is a lovely man, and has a lot of experience at failing to get to the Poles’ said Baron, ‘he was very generous with his time. We spent over a month together training, by the end of it I almost felt like I knew him, despite him not having a Facebook account.’

Baron partly blames Fiennes for her failure, as she heeded his advice to undergo the expedition in Summer. ‘The 24 hour glare of the Antarctic Summer sun made it almost impossible to see the screen on a smart phone’ complained Baron. ‘No wonder nobody lives there. After the first day, I’d only covered 60 metres. Having to pitch my tent three times an hour just to try and see if Stephen Fry had tweeted about me was exhausting. And I couldn’t even update my status with a frowny face.’

Mobile data signals are notoriously weak in the South Pole, but that didn’t stop Baron from fiddling with her phone almost constantly. ‘I was very keen to tweet my progress, but I never saw more than one bar, all the time I was there’ she confided. ‘Fortunately, that didn’t stop me from playing Angry Birds.’

The record for the youngest expedition to the South Pole was set by Andrew Cooney in 2003, at the tender age of 23. Few think his achievement will ever be bettered. ‘Cooney set his record almost a year before the launch of Facebook, and a full three years before Twitter’ confirmed Ben Fogle, who completed the inaugural 2009 South Pole Race, with only a full BBC film crew to show off to.

‘Cooney’s planning was meticulous, he even managed to get out there before MySpace’ enthused Fogle, ‘It’s hard to understand where he got his motivation from. When we look back at his achievements we can only imagine the hardships he put up with, although he did keep a very detailed diary. I doubt we’ll ever see that sort of attention span again.’

Baron hasn’t given up yet, and is planning a second attempt before time runs out. ‘I really want to do something with my life, something that will make people sit up and take notice, and inspire them to follow me on Twitter’ said Baron, as she distractedly held her mobile above her head, and squinted at it. ‘The signal in here is rubbish. I’m just going outside, I may be some time.’

The man, who has not been named, was stopped by police for a random breathalyser test as part of a seasonal drink driving prevention campaign. ‘The test proved negative,’ explained sergeant Mike Norsworthy. ‘However just as I was sending the chap on his way I noticed a Fine Young Cannibals album sticking out of the glove compartment of his vehicle, being a fellow fan I asked for permission to ‘Friend’ him on Facebook.  It was then that he confessed to myself and two other officers that he was not in possession of a valid account. Further questions revealed that he was also not on Twitter, LinkedIn or Spotify.

A case was put together for a prosecution under the new social networking laws, but was dropped when the judge hearing the charges asked ‘What’s Facebook?’

David Blame