‘Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a coalition based on a lie,’ said Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘I fear that what we have here is nothing more than a marriage of convenience perpetrated to stop either party being removed from power in the UK.’

A Church of England investigation suggests that in the last year alone as many as 306 Tory MPs and 57 Lib Dem MPs have been implicated in an organised sham marriage racket. ‘People forget that what looks like an act of deception committed by two people is often the work of criminal gangs involved in far more sinister activities like massive public sector cuts and the extortion of crippling amounts of money from students.’

New guidelines for vicars on spotting sham marriages suggest that the Cameron-Clegg ceremony ought to have set alarm bells ringing from the start. ‘In hindsight, it is clear that the couple barely knew each other and that the families on both sides looked pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing – indeed the Maid of Honour, Vince Cable, looked visibly frightened at what he was being asked to do. But it can be very difficult for vicars when one or even both parties to the marriage are willing to jump into bed with almost anyone to gain a modicum of social standing.’

Journalist Nick Robinson, who was present at the garden party reception at No.10, now admits that the couple’s specially adapted vows were the biggest giveaway. ‘The vicar asked, ‘Do you, David William Donald Cameron, promise to use the financial crisis as an opportunity to push through your ideological belief in a smaller state which helps the rich and punishes the poor?’ He then asked, ‘And do you, Nicholas William Peter Clegg, promise to let him do it?’ Nick Clegg said, ‘I do’, which at least is a promise he appears to have kept.’

But supporters of the coalition argue that Cameron and Clegg have much in common and are very happily married. ‘They have very similar backgrounds, and when you see the two of them together there’s no denying the bromance.’ Critics remain unconvinced, however. ‘You know it’s not a proper marriage when they can’t even find anything to disagree about.’

simonjmr

‘We were alerted to a problem when a fiery red horse galloped across the night sky towards west London,’ said an official.  ‘We need to ensure they don’t represent a disease risk to UK livestock.’

‘Of course they’re a disease risk,’ admitted one rider, Pestilence.  ‘This was meant to usher in the Apocalypse, but now we’ve got to sit around for ages and complete a ton of paperwork.  Lord Mandelson is going to be furious – now he’ll have to spend another six months on earth as Business Secretary instead.’

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