The Council of Europe has taken draconian measures to deal with France’s failure to play by the rules regarding corporal punishment, after it emerged that 90% of French parents have at some point smacked their children. France is to be in bed by 9 o’clock this evening and will not be allowed to watch television, go on Facebook or attend sex parties.
Posted: Mar 5th, 2015
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Voters have been told they should keep their receipt when they visit the polling station for May’s General Election. ‘If they get home, look on the box and realise they have a Government they don’t actually want, they should be able to return it for a full refund or exchange within 28 days,’ Dr Sarah McBeach, a polling expert said. ‘But only if they can produce their receipt.’
Posted: Feb 18th, 2015
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In an attempt to broaden the appeal of their manifesto, UKIP are set to legalise petting in public swimming baths. Other policy initiatives include an amnesty on library book fines and a very slight reduction in the cost of the TV licence.
Posted: Feb 7th, 2015
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Despite increasing strife between their respective followers and the impending Judgement Day in which the sheep may or may not be separate from the goats and the unbelievers may or may not be cast into the eternal pit of fire, it has emerged that God, Allah and Jehovah are still unable to agree on the format of their long-awaited live TV debate.
The main bone of contention is said to be whether or not other gods should be included, while there have also been calls for a separate debate to the north, where Odin is seen as a serious contender. Jehovah, a jealous god, has refused point blank to appear on the same platform as Ba’al or Marduk, while Allah insists that no other gods can take part in the debate because they don’t exist anyway.
Posted: Jan 15th, 2015
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Launched as an experiment to see if mild racism might reverse the effects of the recession, the stores stocked a large number of budget patriotic trinkets and cleaning products, such as Union Jack dishcloths, porcelain bulldogs and 100% pure white spirit.
Posted: Jan 13th, 2015
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