Under the EU directive the official height description for all ladies over the age of 65 will be altered irrevocably so that those under 145cm (4’9’’) will be classed as ‘Petite or Small’, those between 145cm and 165cm (5’5’’) will be ‘Moyenne or Medium’, and those above 165cm will be ‘Grande or Tall’.

‘The result will be that the British little old lady, whose average height is a headscarf thickness over five feet, suddenly becomes a ‘medium old lady’ at the stroke of midnight on 1st October 2014,’ complained Eurosceptic Nigel Farage. ‘Thanks to Europe all their clothes will be the wrong size.’

A further directive is also likely to cause confusion. To reflect life expectancy in Scotland and parts of Eastern Europe, a little old lady will now only need to be 45 years old, with anyone topping sixty classified as ‘ancient’.

‘How would the European Charter of human rights affect employment prospects in Britain’s service industries?’ asked Colin Taylor one of the voters interviewed outside his polling station on Thursday, ‘I haven’t got the foggiest; it’s all far too subtle and nuanced for me, and I deeply resent the fact. For this reason I’ll be making a futile protest vote with one of those extreme little parties who have clearly thought about all that stuff even less than I have.’

It was a sentiment shared by local greengrocer Sheila Halbery: ‘I keep asking myself how the planned 2014 redistribution of national voting weights will effect the economic implications of the Lisbon treaty for the UK workforce. And then I realise I have no idea what the Lisbon treaty is … It’s time that our politicians stopped telling us all this stuff that we don’t understand, and then expecting us to vote for them. Until then, I’m voting UKIP for no discernable reason.’

‘These findings can be seen as a shot across the bows of the current three party system’ explained Graham Powell, head of political polling at MORI. ‘The electorate is saying ‘How dare you take millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money, and spend it on schemes and policies that we don’t really grasp.’ The big message from the electorate seems to be ‘Stop making us look stupid or suffer the consequences.”

The Conservatives have gone on a last minute door-to-door offensive, trying to explain the difference between the Maastricht and Lisbon treaties by dividing up a Sara Lee gateau between plastic Smurf toys. Their efforts appear to be in vain though; ‘I appreciate that they’re making an effort’ said arc welder Ron Sizewell after a visit from his local Tory MEP ‘but we have a long tradition in this household: my father, and his father before him, has always made a pointless protest vote at European and Council elections. However, I will now go online and read the re-drafted European Services directive, just as soon as I’ve finished this delicious slab of Mandarin cheesecake.’

One typical customer reported going in for a quiet drink, only to have the landlord say ‘There; one pint of bitter, mind you we probably won’t be able to call it a pint much longer the way things are going, I see they’re banning red pillar boxes now because their racist against Red Indians apparently, next thing you know we won’t be allowed to paint swastikas on the Mosque.’

Hundreds of landlords are reportedly losing their jobs every month though it is hoped that many of them might find alternative employment when they are elected to the European Parliament to represent UKIP and the BNP.

Other shops have refused the UKIP leader’s money saying they only take Euros, Indian rupees or Eastern Caribbean Dollars. A creative rivalry is developing amongst his local shopkeepers as they stop serving him to pray to Mecca or cover the face of all the women on the packaging. His local butcher said ‘Nigel knows I’m English so I put my finger to my lips and then wrote him a note saying that I’d been told that under the latest Brussels directive I wasn’t allowed to speak English out loud because it was racist. He didn’t want our Halal goat’s testicles either, which I claimed is all I’m allowed to sell.’

Speaking in the European Parliament yesterday, Nigel Farage complained that shopkeepers near his home were apparently compelled under EC law to wear German lederhosen and sing the Horst Wessel song every time anyone walked into their shop. However the rest of the British Euro M.P.s pretended not to understand him, saying they were just doing this job until they had earned enough to go home to Poland.