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Posts Tagged ‘unemployment’

Fairground goldfish unemployment at all time high

Figures released today show that there has been a huge increase in unemployment amongst fairground goldfish since 1988.

Finnegan Scales, spokesperson for the Goldfish Workers Union, claims the government ‘isn’t doing enough’ to prevent the tide of inflatable plastic hammers and oversized cuddly toys coming in from abroad.

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2014
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Lord Vader announces redundancies on Death Star

Head of Human Resources Moff Tarkin confirmed that the redundancies would affect Galactic Stormtroopers, Technical and Support staff and those guys with back to front snow shovels on their heads.

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Posted: Nov 9th, 2013
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Unemployment amongst toy-making elves reaches 11 month low

‘There was a huge and sudden drop in the demand for skilled toy-makers just after Christmas in 2011, which nobody saw coming. This hit one minority group particularly hard, namely elves. Some re-trained as jockeys but for many it has been a difficult year,’ said Mr Osborne.

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Posted: Nov 15th, 2012
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Unpaid jobseekers to debut for Portsmouth FC – or risk losing benefits

Crisis-hit football club Portsmouth FC today announced that it would be handing Championship debuts to four new players this Saturday, recruited to complete unpaid work experience under the government’s controversial Right To Work scheme for the long-term unemployed.

Due to its precarious financial position, the FA barred the club from signing any footballers in the January transfer window. And after selling a number of top players in a frantic cost-cutting exercise, manager Michael Appleton found himself short of a goalkeeper, a defender and two strikers for Saturday’s crucial fixture against fellow strugglers Bristol City.

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Posted: Mar 17th, 2012
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Gangsters to create 300 new jobs in Manchester

Manchester’s premier criminal syndicate has announced it will be opening up three hundred new positions in their local gangs in the area. New applicants should apply in the back alley of Tibb Street, knock three times on the door and say the password ‘Lotusflower’.

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Posted: Feb 26th, 2012
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