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Posts Tagged ‘vampire’

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
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Vampire slayer banned from wearing cross to work

also told to make sure his shoelaces were properly tiedVampire hunter Dr Van Helsing is to seek an employment tribunal after being banned from wearing a cross at work for fear of upsetting vampires.

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Posted: Apr 22nd, 2012
More from Lifestyle



Teenage vampire fails to find cute loner in small American town

A ‘teenage’ vampire has announced that he is quitting Cedar Falls, the small American town that he has stalked for the last two centuries, due to the crippling lack of introvert, socially isolated yet quirkily attractive goth girls.

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Posted: Feb 16th, 2010
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Harry Potter Death Eaters warned,’take nutrition supplements’

really should take more care of themselvesThe Health and Diet Advisory commission today turned its attention to the pallid and gaunt villains of the Harry Potter saga, the Death Eaters. ‘The moment I saw Barty Crouch jnr unmasked in the Goblet of Fire, I said to myself, ‘Zinc deficiency!” said Maurice Poole, a Commission nutrition expert and policy advisor. ‘Then when they brought in Bellatrix Lestrange with her bulging eyes, we all said simultaneously, ‘She’s got goitre!’

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Posted: Sep 11th, 2009
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