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Posts Tagged ‘vampire’

Count Dracula to present Top Gear, BBC announces

The BBC has announced that its search for a new Top Gear frontman is over. After a period of ‘thinking outside the coffin’, it has appointed Count Dracula as Jeremy Clarkson’s replacement on the grounds that the count, being dead already, need not worry about death threats and also bears a striking resemblance to Quentin Wilson.

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Posted: Apr 22nd, 2015
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Mockingbird sequel ‘teeming with hot lesbian vampires’ say publishers

The sequel to Harper Lee’s classic ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ is set to shock and surprise fans of the original novel according to publisher Harper Collins. ‘Go Set a Watchman’ follows an adult Scout as she returns to her childhood home only to find the town overrun by army of scantily clad lesbian vampires.

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Posted: Feb 4th, 2015
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New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
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Teenage vampire fails to find cute loner in small American town

A ‘teenage’ vampire has announced that he is quitting Cedar Falls, the small American town that he has stalked for the last two centuries, due to the crippling lack of introvert, socially isolated yet quirkily attractive goth girls.

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Posted: Feb 16th, 2010
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Harry Potter Death Eaters warned,’take nutrition supplements’

really should take more care of themselvesThe Health and Diet Advisory commission today turned its attention to the pallid and gaunt villains of the Harry Potter saga, the Death Eaters. ‘The moment I saw Barty Crouch jnr unmasked in the Goblet of Fire, I said to myself, ‘Zinc deficiency!” said Maurice Poole, a Commission nutrition expert and policy advisor. ‘Then when they brought in Bellatrix Lestrange with her bulging eyes, we all said simultaneously, ‘She’s got goitre!’

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Posted: Sep 11th, 2009
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