‘It’s political correctness gone mad,’ fumed Van Helsing, announcing the first of a series of walkouts by vampire hunters and the picketing of local graveyards.  ‘Without my cross all I can do is politely suggest that vampires keep their distance, and remind them not to bite without asking.  I can’t even carry garlic in case it brings on an allergic reaction, and I’m loaded down with sun block in case one of them gets caught outside at sunrise.’

This is only the latest blow to vampire hunters whose traditional methods are increasingly falling foul of political correctness and health and safety regulations.  ‘I’m a vampire slayer,’ said Van Helsing, ‘not some namby-pamby Afterlife Transition Manager.  I can’t even hammer a stake through someone’s heart these days without writing up some 12-page risk assessment in case they get a splinter in their finger.  As it is I spend 80% of my time at a desk filling in forms.  What more do these people want?  Blood?’

However, a spokesperson for the Vampire’s Union has defended ‘the right of the modern vampire to go about his daily blood-sucking without fear of religious intimidation or a foreign-accented old man waggling his icon about.’

A settlement appeared closer today, though, as Dr Van Helsing’s employer hinted at a compromise that would allow him to carry a cross provided he kept it out of sight at all times.  ‘Perhaps he could consider hiding it under a burqa,’ he suggested.

By Ian Searle (with thanks to Zadok, malgor, Iscariot and RichT)

‘I’ve been looking for years for a hot and intelligent loner with dark hair and maybe a nose piercing to have a tortured and platonic relationship with,’ bemoaned resident bloodsucker Gabriel Stein, ‘but this place is perpetually behind the times: it’s all blonde cheerleaders with high-kicks and karate – I mean, that’s so last decade! Forget sexually charged conversations about Poe, Shelley and Stoker, it’s all Twitter, tattoos and tan lines.’

However many local girls believe the blame lies squarely at the feet of Stein, and conversely accuse him of not moving with the times. ‘He just seems to think that he can turn up in a frilly shirt and we’ll all start swooning,’ said head cheerleader Cherrie Winters. ‘If I’m to overcome the perils and prejudices of a relationship between the living and the dead, I expect my paramour to at least hit the gym twice a week. Gabriel’s less Edward Cullen and more Nosferatu to be brutally honest.’

Stein dismisses such criticism: ‘Do you know how hard it is to be both wan and buff at the same time when you’ve been undead for two hundred years? I’m a vampire for Christ’s sake – they should be falling over themselves for a bit of neck action! I need to find someplace where bloodsuckers can latch onto impressionable young women with impunity, so I’m leaving Cedar Falls and heading to Vegas to audition for the X-Factor.’

The commission have warned would-be servants of ‘he who cannot be named’ to check with their GP before embarking on a lifestyle choice that involves consuming nothing but other people’s unhappiness and depression. The human body needs a balanced diet; proteins, carbohydrates, as well as over-symbolic human emotions.

A spokesman for ‘Lord V.’ thanked the commission for their advice, hinting that from the New Year his followers would be calling themselves ‘Death and fresh salad with fruit juice and moderate carbohydrate eaters’.

The Diet and Health Advisory Commission is now said to be scrutinising the diet of the vampires from Twilight, urging them to extend their diet of human blood to include five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.