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Posts Tagged ‘Vatican’

Gay Catholics to remain in cages until Pope Francis clarifies stance

Following last month’s three-week Synod, the Pope has still not provided a clear message on the future of Catholic homosexuals, thousands of whom remain locked up inside the Vatican. Conservative bishops continue to assert that God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Sanjeev – a common Hindi boy’s name missing from the New Testament. A UN resolution to liberate the prisoners through a military invasion has been singlehandedly blocked by Russia, with critics alleging that Vladimir Putin has still not accepted Eurovision 2014 being won by a drag queen.

Pope Francis explained ‘My hands are tied. Each time I say something nice about the gays, a bishop warns me to pipe the fuck down. And the Lord has gone all quiet again, the spineless bastard. Sometimes I have complete doubt whether He even exists. I’ll probably get bollocked for saying that now.’

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Posted: Nov 7th, 2015
More from Faith

White House talks hailed as success as Vatican agrees to halt nuclear programme

The deal will also see a continuation of God’s sponsorship of US foreign policy which will allow America to invade oil-rich countries in the name of democracy with God’s backing for another 30 years.

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Posted: Sep 25th, 2015
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Catholic Church implodes arguing where it stands on gay divorce

Catholic churchVatican can’t decide whether to stand by historic opposition to divorce or whether they should encourage the failure of same-sex marriage.

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Posted: May 24th, 2015
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Pope/Bear hybrid found in Vatican toilets

Scientists confirmed yesterday that the hairy creature found squatting under a washbasin at St Peter’s was one of two escaped ‘Papa-Ursus’, the world’s first creatures to combine both papal and ursine DNA.

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Posted: Mar 19th, 2015
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Catholic church split over ordination of women paedophiles

nothing even remotely phallocentric going on here‘It seems incredible that only male priests are entrusted with the responsibility of abusing the children in their care.’

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Posted: Jan 16th, 2015
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