The kit, comprising of bell, book and candle, plus a special phial of holy water blessed by the Pope himself, will be available from the Vatican home shopping channel, QVC, Quality Value Catholicism.

‘The kit is a real blessing to those people who are possessed by demons but don’t possess the time to deal with them,’ said Vatican chief exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth. ‘Now people can exorcise from the comfort of their own home, and without having to wait ages for a priest to arrive.’

The launch of the kit is seen as a response to a rising number of possessions that are putting Vatican emergency services under strain.

‘Satan has been very busy recently,’ said Father Amorth. ‘As exorcists we’re completely rushed off our feet, and sometimes thrown backwards and pinned against the wall too. The Home Exorcism Kit is the solution. And at only €666 it’s a small price to pay for a cleansed soul. Money back guarantee if not completely exorcised.’

Father Amorth dismissed accusations that the church was cynically making money from people’s misery and distress saying only, ‘If anyone can, Vatican.’

The Home Exorcism Kit includes a special dispensation from the Pope allowing people to perform their very own exorcisms, on themselves, troublesome members of their family or anyone they meet in the street and who looks a bit funny. For an added sense of atmosphere the deluxe edition comes with a tiny fog generating machine and a Tubular Bells CD.

‘Some people may be uncertain if they have become impregnated with the demonic spore of Satan,’ said Father Amorth, ‘but now they can check for themselves using our new Possession Testing Kit. It’s very easy to use: simply rotate your head 360 degrees and vomit onto the chemical testing strip. If it goes red you are possessed by the devil; if it goes blue you probably just ate some bean sprouts.’

Speaking to crowds at St Peter’s Square Pope Benedict proudly showed off the new product. ‘Everyone should buy a Home Exorcism Kit,’ he declared. ‘Order now, while stocks last. It will be one possession you’ll be glad to have.’

‘I simply cannot believe that I have been fooled,’ said the Pope. ‘He assured me he was God; he posted a photograph of God; he even used the language of God. Every day he would issue me with all sorts of commandments – though admittedly most of them involved me sending him saucy photos – and at the time it all seemed very convincing.’

The deception came to light when a Vatican cardinal saw the correspondence. ‘I thought it was a bit strange that God would choose to meet the head of the church at an abandoned playground in Frinton-on-Sea,’ he said. ‘I know He moves in mysterious ways, but this looked very suspicious.’

Police have arrested 54-year-old Dennis Duggle, a self-employed plumber from Essex. ‘Mr Duggle is a well-known pontiff-phile,’ said Chief Inspector Freddy Nietzsche, Head of Interpol’s False Gods Squad. ‘He has since made a full confession, but only when the interviewing officer agreed to dress up as the Pope and listen in from the next room.’

Mr Duggle has been charged with three counts of metaphysical impersonation – the Father, Son and Holy Ghost – plus one additional charge of Pope grooming. Police say Mr Duggle’s computer hard drive also contained hundreds of pictures of Popes, some of them as young as 75. They are now looking into the possibility that he may be part of a wider network of online pontiff-philes, or Papal ring.

The 83-year-old Pope, who is still coming to terms with modern technology, including the internet, electricity and contraception, is said to be embarrassed by the de-revelation. ‘I feel like such an idiot,’ he said. ‘At least I would if it wasn’t for the fact that I am infallible. This sort of thing can really shake one’s faith in virtual relationships.’

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‘You know how it is,’ explained Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi. ‘Unless you remember to opt out of these things they automatically renew your membership, and it’s easy not to spot them on your bank statement. It seems that over the years his Holiness has progressed through the ranks from Hitler Youth to Hitler Adult, then Middle-Aged Fascists and most recently Aryan OAPs. I would stress that the pontiff had no choice but to join the organisation as a child in Nazi Germany, though over the years he has grown quite fond of its magazine’s quirky world view and the informed debate on the letters page.’

In addition to a monthly magazine providing ‘a lighthearted look at the changing face of bigotry’, other benefits of membership to the Aryan OAPs includes discounts on coach trips to up-and-coming dictatorships, and concentration camp getaways with Club 80-130.

‘It’s like Saga for the discerning fascist,’ said general secretary, Lothar Neumann, ‘though if I’m honest the organisation probably peaked 70 years ago. Not many of our remaining subscribers are leaders of world religions, as most have trouble finding the common ground between fascism and the central tenets of their faith. But fair play to the pope, he’s managed to move with the times and bring together traditional Catholic piety with a proper hatred of the poor, women and gays. And in that sense he shares many of our aims – breaking down boundaries between different groups, much like we did in Poland in 1939.’

Although the Vatican has attempted to distance itself from the controversy, further examination of its accounts reveals that the Pope may have forgotten to tick the ‘no publicity’ box on his original Hitler Youth membership form after subscriptions were also found to sister publications ‘Birth Control – What Every Celibate Needs To Know’, and the ever-popular pastoral companion, ‘Shhh, Don’t Tell Your Parents!’

Barry Henry from Huddersfield first heard the music while out for a walk in the Pennines. ‘I wasn’t sure what it was for a few minutes,’ he said. ‘It kept coming and going. Then when I stopped for a cup of tea and some Kendal mint cake I realised it was music, and then I remembered where I’d heard it before. My first thought was, ‘Shit, yes, the Pope’s coming to visit isn’t he?’ It quite spoilt my mint cake I can tell you.’

The ‘Emperor’s Theme’, used in Episode VI of the Star Wars trilogy and three abysmal ‘prequels’, is the theme for the evil Emperor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious. Many have commented on the similarities in appearance between the Pope and Palpatine but this appears to be the first time the Universe has spontaneously made the connection itself.

Tracy Notts from Canterbury, a fan of the original trilogy who first heard the music on the North Downs Way in Kent, said she wasn’t at all surprised. ‘Admittedly the Pope doesn’t shoot blue lightning from his hands – or not in public anyway – but his flair for medieval clothing and apparent desire to spread AIDS make him seem pretty evil. I think we always knew which Star Wars character he was.’

This is not the first time Ms Nott has picked up hints of Star Wars music in the air. Only last week she distinctly heard the sinister strains of ‘The Imperial March’, theme music of the evil Darth Vader, when another convert to the dark side, Tony Blair, was touring the country signing copies of his memoirs.

‘As a religious leader, I believe I have a moral obligation not to stand by and allow those in a position of influence and responsibility to take advantage of their role and publish such shameful and damaging stories,’ said the pope today. ‘If there’s one thing vulnerable, sexually-abused children don’t need, it’s being exploited by shameless journalists looking to make a quick buck by pedalling verifiable truths from credible sources. The whole thing makes me sick.’

The Vatican’s crackdown will see the introduction of a harsh three-strikes-and-you’re-out policy for all media outlets caught reporting the abuse of children by Catholic priests. Based on existing disciplinary procedures, a first offence would see the church turn a blind eye, a second offence would attract a verbal warning and a third indiscretion would result in the Vatican demanding that the journalist be moved on to a new publication. If that doesn’t work, the church has threatened to take drastic action to end the supply of stories by redoubling efforts to hush them up.

Although some have criticised the church’s latest response to the abuse crisis, the Vatican has defended its new policy by citing some little-known scripture in which Jesus states that while paedophilia is not to be encouraged, there can never be any justification for relaying incidents of a physical union between a choirboy and his mentor to a wider public less intimate with religious teaching.

‘We desperately need to put a stop to this and make sure the public are no longer preyed upon by these evil, manipulative reporters,’ continued the pontiff. ‘I would hate for stories of child rape by Catholic priests to fall into the hands of the young and impressionable. It’s about time we started putting the children first in all this.’

‘What we need is some kind of protection – some sheath, if you will – to stop whatever may occur between a choirboy and his mentor leaking or being spilled and accidentally giving birth to something with much longer-lasting implications. Or maybe we just need to apply for more gagging orders. After all, victims say that’s often how the whole thing started.’

‘I think we all accept that in hindsight, the customary cassock and surplice probably hasn’t done priests any favours,’ said Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi today. ‘Those flowing robes, allowing mischievous boys to flash their innocent, winsome smiles on vulnerable priests, have much to answer for in the systematic corruption of the priesthood. These honest, red-blooded celibates often have to carry out their holy work in extremely testing circumstances – even Jesus might not have fared so well in the desert had the devil had access to a trainee monk’s habit.’

A Vatican study shows that over time the average drop of the chorister’s robe has reduced, with many now clearing the floor by as much as two or three inches, enough to provide the attentive onlooker with the occasional eyeful of ankle. The study also found that 91% of priests felt choirboys were ‘asking for it’ by dressing in such a provocative way, a suspicion confirmed by many also being involved in the under-age drinking of alcohol during Mass.

The introduction of burqas for choirboys is just one of a number of proposals to combat allegations of priest-taunting by organised choral gangs. The Pope has personally approved a policy of moving on victimised priests to other dioceses known for the ugliness of their children, and the Catholic church is introducing a new back-to-the-floor programme in which priests will spend time volunteering with groups involved in tackling similar problems, such as Scout leaders and PE teachers.

However, the launch of the new choirboys’ uniform has not been without its problems. The first batch of burqas had to be recalled after a choirboy allegedly gained access to design consultant Cardinal Ottaviani and ‘insisted’ on the garment having a couple of ‘Holy Communion holes’ to allow for the admission and evacuation of the body of Christ. ‘It is another example of what we are up against,’ sighed the Cardinal. ‘But rest assured, the chorister in question has been taken in hand as part of our new disciplinary regime. I wouldn’t be surprised if he can’t even bring himself to sit with the others on those hard wooden pews tonight.’

‘Marketing research has revealed that the move would be popular with ABC1 professionals,’ said Vatican spokesman Monsignor Gianfranco Ferra, ‘the meek and the poor are all very well but they don’t fill the offering plate on a Sunday morning.’ He continued to outline how Vatican focus groups believe that the Greatest Story Ever Told is best packaged in the form of a ‘punchy, 20 minute presentation with a five to ten minute Q and A session afterwards’.

‘Our initial concern was that the content and format wouldn’t be facile or soporific enough to chime with our target audience’s experience in the workplace,’ Msgr. Ferra added, ‘but we were pleased to discover that wasn’t the case. Reactions to a test sermon ranged from ‘thanks for that’ to ‘I’d be delighted to action your agenda but we’ll have to refer it to a future meeting as we’re closing for Christmas next week.”

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