‘These allegations are nonsense,’ said the editor of the website, ‘just like most of the saucy gossip and unbelieveable celebrity secrets you read about. Our website is great for kids, families, parents, babies, pets, teachers, managers, countries and businesses and would never construct articles around the use of the hottest, sexiest language so as to make the website turn up in lists of most popular web searches or get mentioned on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, CNN, Google, YouTube, Wikipedia, the BBC or Al-Jazeera.’

The editor, who looks a bit like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Beyonce and puts his ripped six-pack down to the Easy 10-Step Abdominal Workout popularised by men’s magazines offering nudity, fashion and comedy, said that the accusations were worse than those levelled against Rupert Murdoch, Barack Obama, the royal family and The Simpsons. ‘I’m a big fan of Apple products, the X-Factor, Glee and cheap Viagra, and simply love FIFA, Harry Potter and dating sexy singles in your area, so these slurs really hurt.’

‘Far from being concerned with topping lists of most popular web searches,’ he continued, ‘my website operates with integrity and a simple noble aim to compile the hottest, sexiest, fastest, biggest, most popular, cheapest, highest quality news stories in one convenient place with a focus on celebrity gossip, how to attract women, SAT study tips, movie release dates, free music downloads, bus timetables, nude photos, the best Playstation 3 and Xbox games, and lingerie. It’s that simple.’

‘We make no claim to understand cloud computing and viral mobile marketing, to INCREASE YOUR MANHOOD TO MASSIVE SIZE or to be the hottest, sexiest, most popular web search,’ he added. ‘That would just be wrong. Apple.’

Textbook (hat-tips to ronseal, waylandsmithy, and rickwestwell)

On reading one entitled “Are You Letting Her Down?”, John felt he had to confront some of his basic fears; namely that he is letting his wife/girlfriend down. He could put a smile on her face if he was “larrrger”.

Dear John, he replied, John here. You’re right. I am actually worried about the size of my manhood. Sandra’s never said anything, and I haven’t had many opportunities to do a fair comparison across other men, but – do you know it feels good to talk about this with someone.

The following evening, “John” replied. “I knew it”, the email read. “Have you ever considered that your insecurities – which often manifest themselves by your drinking too much at social occasions – could be down to this fundamental weakness? Perhaps this is all because you feel your father was distant?”

He began his campaign against the pharmaceutical behemoth in 2000, when Viagra use became widespread in the San Fernando Valley adult movie industry, resulting in massive job losses among fluffers, and which devastated the suburb of Santa Bona where so many of the fluffing community lived.

‘It was terrible,’ recalls former fluffer Bruno Weaver, sipping a coffee at the 69er Diner on Santa Bona’s now regenerated Main Street. ‘The whole town was affected. Some of these guys had been fluffing for generations. What else did they know? There were still a few jobs for lube-monkeys and wipe-down crews, but c’mon…these guys had some pride. They were fluffers!’

At first Vilbiss and the AFU membership sought to negotiate to keep Viagra out of the adult entertainment industry, but in the face of swelling enthusiasm for ‘Vitamin V’ among performers and studio bosses alike, their case just wouldn’t stand up. Most AFU fluffers were offered some compensation, but many felt that members had been palmed off.

‘We felt let down. Deflated,’ continued Bruno, as fellow patrons at the diner nodded in agreement. ‘The Union used to be a strong, upstanding pillar of this community. We brought the studio executives to their knees in ’87 over the rubber glove dispute, but this time there was nothing we could do. We were just tossed aside. Technology had made us obsolete, and it was difficult to swallow. We felt…impotent.’

It was then that Vilbiss and his supporters, who became known as ‘Puddites’, began their six-month campaign against Pfizer, trying in vain to hold back the march of progress. Smashing up laboratories, destroying stock and disrupting the distribution of the blue pill, for a time they caused significant problems for the drug giant. However, the movement lost its thrust when Vilbiss, with a string of arrest warrants to his name, went into hiding.

Since then, Santa Bona has risen again, stimulated by millions of dollars in government investment, and many fluffers have retrained to work at the nearby Large Hardon Collider, a research project investigating the theory of ‘high energy straight action’ and the opening of small black holes, which, with the help of Bruno and many other ex-fluffers, finally got turned on last month.

Jeff Vilbiss, on the other hand, will be twiddling his thumbs behind bars for a minimum 12 years a few miles down the road in California State Prison.

Men poor at shopping foreplay; just like to get in and out

Scientists have found that a man presenting his credit card in exchange for shoes, clothes and handbags can do wonders for a woman’s sex drive.  The experience of ‘shopping’ can be further heightened by the male periodically offering comments such as ‘Definitely the Jimmy Choos’ or ‘No, your bum looks great in that’, but men were delighted after trials showed that not lasting the duration did nothing to reduce the woman’s pleasure.

‘Shopping’ was discovered by a male researcher when his wife forgot her purse on a trip into town. ‘When we got home it was as if she was a different woman – the exact same fantasy, in fact, that I’d been using to help me get it up.’

However, doctors have warned men that their partner’s side effects, such as an increased tolerance of time spent in the pub, are likely to wear off quickly and require further treatments.