The AstraZeneca virus is being withdrawn, according to internal sources, because the rapid speed of development and roll-out led to them accidentally forgetting to put the autism in. “Normally, a good 60-70% of our development time is spent thinking up new ways to autisise the subject”, [read...]
Government responses to the COVID-19 pandemic will from now on be based entirely on insights gleaned from the extensive canon of Matt Damon films, Health Secretary Matt Hancock announced today. Following the revelation that the film Contagion had influenced his decision making and strategy towards ordering vaccines, [read...]
Following news that Boris Johnson’s dad has had his 2nd vaccine dose before most vulnerable Brits have had their first, Boris rushed to reassure the public that this isn’t nepotism. “You know that film where a comet’s about to strike the Earth and all the top scientists and artists are kept safe in a secret… [read...]
The Prime Minister has hinted that the government’s Daily Corona Briefing will take on a more light-hearted tone as the countdown to Christmas progresses. In order to make the news a little more Christmassy, Johnson has decided that as he speaks to the nation, [read...]
All three former Presidents have volunteered to be vaccinated on TV, although most US citizens are happy to swap the vaccine for something ‘a bit stronger’. While most say they favour injection, 26% still preferred the electric chair, [read...]
