NewsBiscuit » Vista http://www.newsbiscuit.com The news before it happens... Sat, 11 Feb 2012 23:55:20 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 Microsoft delays launch of Stephen Hawking Vista http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2008/06/30/microsoft-delays-launch-of-stephen-hawking-vista-308/ http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2008/06/30/microsoft-delays-launch-of-stephen-hawking-vista-308/#comments Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:00:00 +0000 ianslat http://newsbiscuit.com/2008/06/30/microsoft-delays-launch-of-stephen-hawking-vista-308/ New operating system crashes when asked to calculate when the universe began]]>

Software giant Microsoft has admitted that the launch of the latest Stephen Hawking upgrade has had to be delayed due to problems with the new operating system, which keeps crashing whenever asked to calculate when the universe began.

The announcement is the latest in a series of setbacks to the Stephen Hawking Vista, including a Max-Headroom-type stutter, a tendency to cause the user to binge drink and an unexplained tendency to say ‘physics is shit, physics is shit’.

But retiring Microsoft supremo Bill Gates preferred to concentrate on the benefits that the new version will bring. ‘Vista offers the user a vastly improved voice synthesiser with a choice of forty voices including Darth Vader, Donald Duck, Tom Baker and Kenny from South Park. It also features new bolt-ons such as a built in MP3 player and a teasmade.’

But for the time being users can only access the traditional Stephen Hawking voice which has proved so popular with Radiohead fans who entering the lyrics to ‘Fitter, Happier’. Hopes that Stephen Hawking could be used for advertising voice-overs and football commentary have suffered a set-back. The launch has now been rescheduled to early 2009, or as the Stephen Hawking Vista described it ‘1970’.

]]> http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2008/06/30/microsoft-delays-launch-of-stephen-hawking-vista-308/feed/ 2 Bill Gates stuns the world with ‘Cardigan 2007’ http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2007/04/09/bill-gates-stuns-the-world-with-sweater-2007/ http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2007/04/09/bill-gates-stuns-the-world-with-sweater-2007/#comments Mon, 09 Apr 2007 05:00:00 +0000 mattdaniels http://newsbiscuit.com/2007/04/09/bill-gates-stuns-the-world-with-sweater-2007/ 'This cardigan marks a new era in smart-casual attire.' ]]> The computer world was thrilled and amazed this week when Bill Gates finally unveiled the long-awaited ‘Cardigan 2007’. It was the Microsoft C.O.O.’s first new knitwear in over eight years and is being heralded as the most advanced cardigan the softwear giant has ever developed.

‘Today is a big day. This cardigan marks a new era in smart-casual for us’, Gates told the enthralled delegates. ‘The double pockets can hold more parallel Biro’s than previous cardigans, and the combination of a zip and buttons makes this the most secure cardy I have ever worn. The sleeves can be pushed up in warmer weather and further security add-ons such as leather elbow patches can be purchased separately.’

Cardigan 2007 is predicted to have 100m wearers worldwide within the next 12 months, but there are some concerns that the skinny, slightly geek-like fit will not be suitable for every body shape. Gates has pledged to continue to support the open-neck-ironed-shirt-no-tie look for another five years but his company is pushing hard to get everyone into cardigans as soon as possible.

However Microsoft may soon find their share of the market under challenge. Rumours from Apple suggest that Steve Jobs is now planning to bring forward the launch of his much anticipated ‘Polo-neck Pro’.

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