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Posts Tagged ‘Vladimir Putin’

Lance Armstrong becomes Russian citizen, will compete at Olympics

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has formally renounced his American nationality and become a Russian citizen, having become disillusioned with the US stance on yellow wristbands. He now intends to compete for Russia in a number of different disciplines at the Rio Olympics in 2016, such as cycling, rowing, discus, hammer throwing, 100 metres and synchronised swimming.

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Posted: Nov 12th, 2015
More from News In Brief

Gay Catholics to remain in cages until Pope Francis clarifies stance

Following last month’s three-week Synod, the Pope has still not provided a clear message on the future of Catholic homosexuals, thousands of whom remain locked up inside the Vatican. Conservative bishops continue to assert that God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Sanjeev – a common Hindi boy’s name missing from the New Testament. A UN resolution to liberate the prisoners through a military invasion has been singlehandedly blocked by Russia, with critics alleging that Vladimir Putin has still not accepted Eurovision 2014 being won by a drag queen.

Pope Francis explained ‘My hands are tied. Each time I say something nice about the gays, a bishop warns me to pipe the fuck down. And the Lord has gone all quiet again, the spineless bastard. Sometimes I have complete doubt whether He even exists. I’ll probably get bollocked for saying that now.’

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Posted: Nov 7th, 2015
More from Faith

Putin consults Wizzard over Ukraine crisis

Having agreed to meet Elton John to discuss gay rights, the Russian President has laid out a schedule to meet other ‘influential’ 70’s glam rockers to improve his international relations. First on his list will be Roy Wood, ensuring that for the people of the Ukraine it is Christmas is every day; meaning cold, bleak and with the surprise gift of annexation.

A wide range of initiatives will set pulses racing throughout the UN, as Putin himself coordinates foreign policy resplendent in a Suzi Quatro leather jumpsuit. A Kremlin spokesman confirmed: ‘Encouraged by ‘Mott The Hoople’, all the young dudes on board the our Caspian Flotilla will be launching cruise missiles into Syria. While, advised by ‘The Sweet’, every ballroom in Damascus will be blitzed’.

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Posted: Nov 6th, 2015
More from World News

Outrage as unholy strain of myxomatosis introduced into Meerkovo

other ways of getting rid of them on '' We are all dying, simples

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Posted: Sep 29th, 2015
More from From The Archives

EU diplomatic ‘shit list’ drawn up by the Tourism Board, say Kremlin

Grab a bargain now before prices fall!A Russian foreign ministry official has today contradicted reports that a list of ‘banned’ politicians was a result of EU sanctions against Russia. ‘Not at all. It is a simple attempt to support our gentrification process by excluding undesirables who are likely to detract from Russia’s reputation as a lovely place to visit and live.’

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Posted: May 31st, 2015
More from Politics