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Posts Tagged ‘Waitrose’

Waitrose to go door-to-door making people cry in ‘targeted’ Christmas campaign

This child is later shown being sent back down t'pitWaitrose have announced that they are eschewing the traditional TV Christmas ad campaign; instead, they have unveiled ‘(an) individually-tailored campaign of lachrymosity.’

‘We want to make everyone cry in the run up to Christmas, so they will buy shedloads of our overpriced comestibles,’ explained CEO Nat Wilderman, ‘but frankly, John Lewis and Sainsbury’s have already sewn up the market this year.’

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Posted: Nov 16th, 2014
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Queen requests state burial in Waitrose car park

will consider offers from Lidl‘Her Majesty is keen to reintroduce the medieval tradition of laying monarchs to rest beneath municipal car parks’

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Posted: Sep 3rd, 2014
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Asda introduces ‘slapping-friendly areas’ for shoppers with small children

won't be beaten on price, service or anything other than aisle 29 Asda is to create ‘slapping areas’ where frustrated parents can hit their children without causing offence to other shoppers.

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Posted: Aug 14th, 2014
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Maths boffins solve supermarket BOGOF quandary

buy one get another one somewhere else 'not a great deal' say Trading StandardsMathematicians at the University of Leicester have proved conclusively that whenever supermarkets use a ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ offer they should place an even number of items on the relevant shelf.

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Posted: Aug 13th, 2014
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Royal Jubilee engagements causing backlog of unopened supermarkets

Tesco and Sainsbury’s have led angry calls for the Royal Family to ‘stop fannying about for the Jubilee’

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Posted: Jun 1st, 2014
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