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Posts Tagged ‘Wayne Rooney’

Manchester United crowds to be banned from looking at scores

"Moyes, Moyyyyess!"In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Manchester United officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and anything else that might bring about access to the league table from within the hallowed portals Old Trafford.

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Posted: Aug 15th, 2014
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Total, fcuk and UPS in joint sponsorship deal with England football team

Opposition strangely reluctant to swap shirts after the game‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side.’

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Posted: Jun 22nd, 2014
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Injury may put English football stars out of Sunday’s barbecue

English football fans were anxiously waiting for further team news today, after injuries to several key players left a question mark over their participation in various leisure and social activities this weekend.

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Posted: Jun 19th, 2014
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Jihadists ‘not as focused on the World Cup as they should be’

all to play for in the following roundsSet against the backdrop of Kenyan massacres and Iraqi insurgency, FIFA is concerned that Islamist militants may not be giving Brazil 2014 their full attention. Despite wall-to-wall TV coverage, there is a growing suspicion that some of the world’s population are choosing not to embrace footballing worship and are instead favouring revolution, seventy two virgins and a ‘nice game of croquet’.

Although the World Cup cost well in excess of $14 billion, Sunni militants seem more obsessed with Baghdad than the melodious prose of Phil Neville. New technologies such as vanishing foam, goal-line sensors and improved corruption have failed to distract Jihadists from their ultimate goal of ‘keeping Wayne Rooney off the front page’. Even a prize money totalling $576m and the lure of the percussive caxirola, does not seem to have dented the extremists’ love of all shoot outs, except penalties.

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Posted: Jun 17th, 2014
More from Sport, World News



Uruguay’s new drug laws give England outside chance in World Cup

dope is the only hopeEngland football manager Roy Hodgson has welcomed Uruguay’s decision to allow the cultivation, possession and personal use of marijuana as a potential boost to England’s seemingly forlorn hope of qualifying from a tough group in the World Cup and going on to lose on penalties to Portugal in the knock-out stages.

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Posted: Dec 12th, 2013
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