‘We are warning that we will be issuing a severe weather warning soon,’ a Met Office spokeswoman said.

The spokeswoman said that the severe weather warning is expected to bring with it a number of coloured triangles, a ‘sprinkling’ of exclamation marks and a ‘flurry’ of numbers and arrows.

‘People should be prepared for phrases like ‘unless necessary’, ‘warm blankets, ‘ ‘take extra care’ and ‘a shovel in the boot’,’ the spokeswoman said.

The warning is expected to spread rapidly from the Met Office in Exeter and by early evening should reach every home in the UK with a television set.

A spokesman from Rome took up the story. ‘The Supreme Deity was installing summer when it got stuck at 56% and hung. He had been warned to ‘close all running applications’ but He thought it’d be okay leaving Facebook open. After He pressed ctrl-alt-delete several times to no avail, a box popped up asking if He wanted to send an error report.

‘Who the fuck to?’ He thundered, before He turned it off at the wall. A footnote from the Almighty reads: ‘might have caused an earthquake or two when I smacked the keyboard in temper. My bad.’

It’s believed the last time God made a backup was around March. ‘Which leaves us pretty much fucked up for the year’, concluded Mr Parfitt, before adding, ‘wrap up well, stay indoors and hope He doesn’t have a sticky spacebar.’

f0zz

An inquiry into the apparent ‘slow reaction’ of Heathrow Airport to last month’s snow revealed that BAA’s ‘major investment in counter snow technology’ was nothing more than the ordering of an extra wide shovel for the worker who clears the snow from the runways.

Whilst acknowledging that BAA were factually correct in their claim that they had increased spending on ‘snow clearance strategy by 145%’ the inquiry was told in monetary terms this represented an increase from £19.99 to £28.99 for a wider shovel from B & Q in order that the ‘snow clearance operative’, 53-year-old Ted Harvey, could ‘execute his job more efficiently’.

At the hearing, Mr Harvey could give no reasons for the failure of the slow clearance procedures. ‘It’s beyond me,’ said the veteran. ‘Usually once the weather’s warm enough for me to get out there, I’ve discovered the snow’s disappeared as if by magic.’

‘What we wanted to do was make a festive film that really captured the spirit of the times,’ said director Richard Curtis. ‘Whether you’re at home or on the road, Christmas is a time of year for quiet reflection, spending time with others and enduring torturous confinement and provocation. We found an ample supply of all three at station waiting rooms, airport departure lounges and on the closed stretches of the M25.’

In ‘No Planes, No Trains, No Automobiles’, 47-year-old businessman Derek Highfield arrives at Liverpool Street station on a snowy Christmas Eve to find that all Billericay services have been cancelled due to frozen points at Stratford. Undaunted, Derek sets off to find an alternative way home, demonstrating the patience and good cheer which will soon be exhausted as he tells follower travellers, ‘Even the longest journey starts with a single replacement bus service’.

It is then not long before Derek’s bus is stranded on an impassable duel carriageway and the passengers diverted to Stansted airport where the film’s hero is able to complete his Christmas shopping by getting duty-free perfume for his wife, a Samsonite briefcase for his brother-in-law plumber and an armful of Starbucks granola bars for the kids. He then hires a car and takes 18 hours to drive home, crashing the vehicle just yards from his house on Boxing Day night because the council still hadn’t bothered to grit the roads.

The film’s producers are delighted but surprised by its success. ‘Originally we thought it would go straight to DVD, and we had a number of airlines interested in showing it in-flight, but the demand for that seems to have fallen away in the last week,’ said Richard Curtis. Instead the film went on general release when it proved so popular in previews. Audiences apparently stayed at cinemas to watch it three or four times in a row after the snow came down and they had no way of getting home.

Long Distance Clara

‘This is an unprecedented sunny spell, and although the ski runs have been kept open, mainly because of all relentless bleedin’ snow, the unexpected sunshine has caused consumers to make a mad-dash for expensive sunglasses and convertible Bentleys,’ explained Swiss Skiing Minister David Moncoutier.

Switzerland’s shadow political ski minister Francois Vermont said ‘Verbier experiences severe sunshine in most winters, and we now must ask our politicians how this as they call ‘unanticipated’ sunny weather can bring the place to a standstill, after all in Saudi Arabia they face sunny periods all the time and seem to handle it pretty well. Mind you, Wikileaks tells me they’re fucked when it snows.’

Residents of St Albans are furious the town has been largely unaffected by the recent spell of heavy snow. According to local residents, the roads have stayed clear, the schools remain open, and there have been no snowball fights.

‘It’s a disgrace,’ said Ann Williams of nearby Redbourn . ‘It’s not right that I’m still expected to drive to work in town when people in Scotland and over in Essex have just been sitting at home. So much for the Big Society!’ Others have complained about the seasonally typical weather keeping their children in school, when Newsround is showing other schools closed.

As a result of the mundane weather conditions, St Albans A&E Department has reported no noticeable rise in accidents. ‘I dealt with an ice-scraper injury yesterday,’ said Senior Nurse Matt Collins, ‘but I don’t think the insertion was weather-related.’

JLD

‘Of course we appreciate that a driving test taking place in July may not exactly match the conditions that may confront a driver on a snowy winter morning,’ said Chief Driving Examiner, Trevor Wedge. ‘But we have given a lot thought to this and with a bit of British ingenuity, incessant grumbling, and a can of shaving foam, we believe we can simulate many of the conditions that drivers would have to cope with during a snowy spell.’

The new test is to encompass all aspects of driving in wintry conditions, and all candidates will be expected to arrive at the Test Centre dressed appropriately for the weather. Anyone not wearing a heavy coat, scarf and ludicrous Russian ‘Ushanka’ hat will be failed immediately, as will anyone who neglects to respond to an examiner’s observation about the simulated wintry conditions by responding, ‘so much for global warming, eh? Eh?’.

‘Before we set off we will inspect the car, ’ explained Mr Wedge, ‘checking to ensure the car is adequately prepared with extra blankets, a shovel in the boot and a flask of hot soup, preferably mulligatawny, as that is my favourite.’

‘When it comes to winter driving it is vital to ensure that motorists have clear vision,’ continued the Driving Standards Agency chief. ‘So in a typical test the examinee will be expected to demonstrate that they can wipe a misty windscreen with the back of their gloved hand whilst setting the heater to maximum. To add authenticity our examiners are authorised to play ‘Last Christmas’ on the car’s CD and make helpful comments like ‘Typical, not a bloody gritter in sight’.’ Finally, at the end of the test learners will be expected to sit in their car while it is parked on the nearest motorway and motionless for three hours, before abandoning their vehicle and walking back to the test centre complaining about the treacherous state of the roads.

A police spokesman welcomed the news of an improved test but expressed concern that the test may prove to be too realistic, even in June. ‘Given the conditions being simulated, we would advise learners to cancel their examination unless it is absolutely essential.’

3 December 2010

In scenes evoking the blitz spirit, southerners battled through pavements and roads covered in up to a centimetre of suffocating slush, as for several seconds snow was seen to linger on the top of cars, CCTV cameras and hedges, before mercifully melting.

London Mayor Boris Johnson visited scenes of carnage, offering comfort words and choice Latin phrases in a tireless effort to placate the crowds.

Cheryl Cole quoted the wise words of Princess Diana, as she watched the horrifying scenes from her hotel window. ‘I see a lot of pain in people’s eyes – but I also see hope,’ she said.

Meanwhile, reports are coming in that in the Midlands, the North, Wales and Scotland, the weather has been even more – sorry, there’s no more time or space for those reports.