‘We aim to cater for the needs of all our customers,’ said a TfL spokeman, ‘so it’s about time we had carriages where people who like to treat outdated conjecture as fact can do so without being judged. The ‘White Is Right’ carriages will be at the rear of our trams and will include buffet cars selling cans of special brew, pregnancy test kits and signed photos of Nick Griffin kicking a black person in the face. There will be a strict no-filming policy.’

The scheme has been announced following a racist incident on a recent Croydon-to-Wimbledon tramlink service. The victim of the abuse was particularly upset at being told to go back to where they came from, which in this case was Mitcham.

Shandy

‘While there are many charities helping the sufferers of serious conditions such as cancer, blindness, and paraplegia, the plight of the ordinary Briton trying to deal with a serious case of athlete’s foot, toothache or itchy arse is all too often forgotten,’ said Professor Martin Jones, chief executive of Sickie. ‘Did you know that every month over a million working days are lost to instances of dodgy-kebab-on-the-way-home and stayed-up-all-night-watching-sport? It’s an epidemic.’

Sickie’s volunteers will provide sufferers of afflictions such as Taste-of-Delhi-belly and 9am-to-5pm-sore-knee with vital support in the form of emergency deliveries of toilet paper or popping to the GP to collect a sick note. Trained counsellors will also offer specialist advice over the phone such as ‘best not rush back to work too soon’, and ‘they’ll manage’.

The charity had anticipated being inundated with calls on Wimbledon semi-final day when sudden outbreaks of the-baby’s-ill and man-coming-about-the-boiler were expected at about 2pm. And Sickie warns that the summer of 2012 could well be a flashpoint for British workers being incapacitated by death-of-a-distant-relative and a-touch-of-ebola.

Sickie’s official global unveiling was scheduled for 9am on Monday morning, the day after the charity’s inter-regional cricket competition and barbeque, but a statement released by a spokesman from his sick bed confirms that it unfortunately had to be postponed because the entire management team was struck down by a combination of sunstroke, food poisoning and cat-needs-worming.

Long-time no-hoper Venus Williams surprised many observers by getting to the second round by means of an unusual style of dress but was subsequently knocked out for unfashionable collars, while plucky Brit Laura Robson managed to outscore Italy’s Francesca Schiavone on face, legs and shape alike, before inevitably succumbing to the honey-toned loveliness of Serbia’s Ana Ivanovic in round three.

Meanwhile, five-time champion Maria Sharapova, who breezed past several excessively muscular also-rans in the first week, barely scraped through to the quarter finals over her compatriot Alona Bondarenko. Sharapova forged an early lead with her searing blonde strokes but was pegged back by Bondarenko’s superbly tanned thighs and only won on a tie break after her orgasmic shriek was decisively preferred to Bondarenko’s guttural moan. Sharapova then made the semi finals by outscoring Dominika Cibulkova in straight legs.

Many Prettiness observers have said that this should be the year of pony-tailed Danish stunner Caroline Wozniacki. However, some say that whilst she has often flattered to deceive in brightly coloured clothing, Wozniacki’s body simply does not suit the all-white dresses required to take Wimbledon. China’s Li Na is also not given much chance; her recent victory in a French beauty tournament dismissed as a typically perverse French preference for skinny legs.

‘It’s anyone’s contest now,’ said renowned sports analyst Tim Henman, who happened to be in town to cover a mens’ sporting contest. ‘I quite fancy Jankovic, or Maria Kirilenko, or Jelena Dokic – actually I just fancy them all, to be honest. Except Simona Halep, obviously. I’m told she actually had a breast reduction so that she could play tennis better. Honestly, what was the silly mare thinking of?’

(hat-tip to pere floza)

In a surprising move, Andy Murray has personally sought out a fan from the crowd to thank her for her cry of ‘Come on Andy!’ during the final at Queens Club this week.

Murray explained to journalists that he now realizes that he had been going about the match in a mundane manner, his ankle hurt, and he hadn’t really got into the game or even acknowledged the crowd, his opponent or his mother for that matter.

‘Then in a moment of sudden enlightenment, I heard the cry from Mrs. Betty Burroughs of Bournemouth, and it was if the clouds opened up and all became clear, I needed to ‘Come on’’ he explained. ‘If it wasn’t for her I am sure I would have lost the match.’

‘Thank goodness someone had the foresight to shout out and make me aware of my total lack of commitment. Obviously due to the stringent rules of no coaching from my team of experts it was left up to this insightful lady to bring my game back into focus. I only hope that in future matches more enthusiastic fans will cry out insightful comments to improve my game.’

When asked about his plan for winning Wimbledon this year, Andy said he is fed up with the concept of focusing on winning one point at a time and has decided to focus only on his winner’s speech.

spur of the moment

‘We’ve noticed how viewers of Final Score are happy to watch other people watching football matches rather than watching the matches themselves’ he explained, ‘so we’re going to expand the idea to other areas of BBC programming. For example, instead of paying millions for the rights to show Wimbledon next year we’ll just show Sue Barker and John McEnroe watching tennis for a fortnight instead. It’ll save a fortune. We might even be able to pay some of our staff pensions.’

He went on to add that the plan wasn’t just restricted to sports coverage. ‘With immediate effect we’re also going stop making Eastenders’ he said. ‘Instead we’ll just show four carefully selected soap opera pundits watching TV screens and making the sort of comments you’d normally make whilst watching it, like ‘look at that – another token ethnic family has just moved in’ or ‘oh my word, someone’s just been unfaithful, who’d have thought it’. Of course, there won’t be anything on their screens, but the viewers won’t know that.‘ He also revealed that costume dramas, sitcoms and gameshows would also receive the Final Score treatment, although he admitted that it might be difficult to find four people willing to pretend to laugh whilst watching My Family.

Mr Thompson also hinted that even greater savings could be found by merging all BBC channels into one, with different pundits watching BBC1, 2, 3, 4, News 24, CBBC and Cbeebies all at the same time. ‘It could be terribly exciting. Just imagine cutting to updates from Nick Robinson watching Bargain Hunt to Mr Tumble watching Prime Minister’s Questions to Ainsley Harriett watching In The Night Garden, or something’ he grinned. ‘We could even scrap our own ‘programming’ altogether and just show pundits watching ITV and Sky’ he added.

An additional benefit of the plan would be to breathe new life into the BBC’s busy schedule of repeats. ‘You could watch different pundits watching each episode of 2 Pints of Lager another 20 times and every time it would be as fresh and funny as the first time you saw it’ he said.

A further announcement from Mr Thompson is expected later today in an interview that can be seen by watching the Ten o’Clock News, where Huw Edwards will be watching tonight’s ITN News at 10.

‘I was actually knocked out of the competition in the first round,’ admitted Miss Wade, ‘but afterwards I was approached by a man from MI5. He asked me of I would participate in a top-secret project to commemorate the Queen’s Silver Jubilee. I could hardly refuse.’

The complex scheme involved the live television picture from the 1977 Women’s Final being switched at the last moment to a secret location at the Elstree film studios in Borehamwood.

‘I remember that they had spent millions recreating Centre Court,’ said Miss Wade, ‘it was packed with extras who cheered me to victory over my opponent Betty Stove, who was played by the young actor Martin Shaw. Even though he wasn’t a professional tennis player he was still drugged with a horse tranquilliser to make sure he didn’t accidentally beat me.’

The Queen, who hates tennis, is understood to have stayed at home that day so the Wimbledon trophy was actually awarded to Miss Wade by cross-dressing comedian Stanley Baxter.

Conspiracy theorists have been totally floored by the revelation. ‘We all knew about the Kennedy assassination, the faked moon landings and the lizards controlling the Earth,’ said expert David Icke, ‘but even I didn’t suspect Virginia Wade would do this. I feel such a fool.’

‘In those days a lot of sporting events were staged in the national interest to boost morale,’ said Miss Wade, ‘but I guess the British people are mature enough to cope with the truth now. And by the way, that 1966 World Cup thing…nah…never mind.’

‘When the man said ‘Come on Tim!’ Centre Court just erupted,’ said presenter Sue Barker, ‘people were rolling about the aisles, the players couldn’t continue and the umpire was laughing so much he fell off his chair. It was pandemonium. We haven’t seen anything like this since the time when the pigeon landed on Court Number 3.’

The contagious laughter spread so fast that play on all courts was suspended with a number of people taken to hospital complaining of chest pains. ‘At one stage we feared the joke might derail the entire Championships,’ said Tournament Director Ian Ritchie, ‘we only managed to restore order by repeatedly opening and closing the retractable roof – something we use to help calm people down.’

Speaking afterwards, the man who shouted the line, Mr Lionel Bream from Godalming, Surrey, said: ‘I noticed that people were shouting for the two players on court so I thought that it would be really funny if, instead, I shouted ‘Come on Tim!’ I guess the rest is history.’

‘The line ‘Come on Tim!’ is so amusing because it creates a surreal juxtaposition,’ explained comedy expert Dr Jonathan Miller, ‘it refers to a time when people genuinely shouted ‘Come on Tim!’ for Tim Henman, a man who is himself a joke. Thus, by shouting ‘Come on Tim!’ when Tim wasn’t even there, Mr Bream created a sublime moment of post-ironic metatextual comedy genius.’

The shout has now been confirmed as the funniest incident in the entire history of the All England Club, funnier even than when Ilie Nastase got down on all fours and looked into the Cyclops line calling machine, more amusing than when Henri Leconte pulled a face and minced round the court pretending to be a girl, and more ironic than every time John McEnroe knowingly says ‘You cannot be serious’ when he isn’t even being serious.

Now the challenge is on for the players themselves to come up with something even funnier by the end of the tournament. ‘We looked at the shape of the tennis racquet and wondered if there was some sort of musical mime we could do to raise a laugh…’ said Roger Federer. ‘We’ve tried pretending to blow down one end like a clarinet or banging it like a drum but it didn’t really work. But when we finally work out what sort of musical solo you could pretend to play on a tennis raquet, it’s going to be hilarious!!!’

Top seeds have been equally enthusiastic about the changes, hoping that the crowd participation will spur them on the sporting greatness. ‘I feel that while I have a solid groundstroke, superb first serve and ability to switch seamlessly from defensive to offensive play, what my game has really been missing is a heartfelt rendition of ‘You Must Have Come in A Taxi’ on a toy trumpet at matchpoint,’ says British hopeful Andy Murray, who is said to be highly amused by plans afoot from foreign supporters to tease him with chants of ‘Devolution’ sung to the tune ‘Bread of Heaven’.

But not all have embraced the changes, fearing that the new measures could bring the tournament into disrepute. ‘It’s an outrage, people are starting to behave like animals,’ said Maude Roxby-Smythe, a regular centre court spectator. ‘Already at Queens, rowdy behaviour was beginning to creep in. I thought taunting Nadal’s opposition with ‘Seven Grand Slams and the Davis Cup’ was uncouth enough. But there’s no respect for the officials. I just hope that no Wimbledon umpire has to suffer the indignity of being questioned as to ‘Who Ate All the Chicken Parfait’.