Mr Ward, who works at his local PC World at weekends, said he was ‘gob smacked’ on receiving the letter informing him of his success. ‘It was awesome,’ he told journalists. ‘I knew I’d done something pretty cool, but I didn’t think I had a chance of a Nobel Prize. But, looking back, I suppose it was pretty groundbreaking for a PC World guy to give out correct technical information.’

Mrs Knight said she was delighted. ‘That young man deserves the honour,’ she said. ‘I was a bit dubious when he showed me how to attach the mouse to the computer and, to be quite honest, I didn’t think it would work. But it just shows how wrong you can be. In my opinion, Joe is a genius.’

The store said that since the announcement, it had been inundated with messages from around the world. The manager said: ‘Yesterday Bill Gates called to ask Joe for advice on a problem with Windows 7, then we had Sir Tim Berners-Lee ringing asking for guidance. People have been queuing round the block to ask Joe for advice.

‘Of course, it’s partly down to the thorough training we give all our employees at PC World. We once had a young assistant who showed a customer how to detach a mouse from a computer AND where to find the track pad. Brilliant.’ Mrs Knight said when she arrived home with the mouse she went straight to her computer: ‘I couldn’t actually find anywhere to plug the mouse into my Amstrad, but my grandson has a computer with a hole for mice – and it went in there like a treat. He’s a clever one, that Joseph Ward. A bit of an Einstein, I’d say.’

Nigel Drake, a software analyst with Drayton Mann, said: ‘Honestly, when was the last time you actually downloaded a ‘critical’ update or patch from Microsoft, and it made any difference to anything you were doing? The screen doesn’t change, it doesn’t go any faster, it doesn’t stop getting attacked by viruses, it doesn’t boot up quicker, in fact if anything it gets slower and then your whole screen goes black.’

The updates, which are simultaneously offered to users in 82 countries, are programmed to make their presence known in a variety of annoying ways – as soon as the machine is switched on; before the machine can be switched off or in the case of modern Windows systems as soon as the machine detects the user is engaged in any activity of importance or interest.

‘Windows Updates are not compulsory,’ said a Microsoft spokesperson, ‘and the user has the option of simply switching off the prompts and ignoring them.’ However, Paul Strickland, who recently purchased Microsoft’s new Windows 7 package, said that when he turned off alerts and ignored updates he noticed that events took a sinister turn. ‘At first it was just harmlessly irritating, as usual. I’d get a message saying ‘you’ve turned off alerts’ every time I used the machine. Then when I was working it would randomly flash up ‘hey, you’re missing out on important updates’. A little later the machine began unexpectedly crashing, and I got a message saying ‘you were warned’.

The next day my wife’s car was mysteriously run off the road by a strange black utility vehicle, and I found that all evidence of my existence, bank details, driving licence… had been completely wiped off every database on earth. It might just have been an innocent glitch, but all I know is that when I switched the alerts back on everything returned to normal. So now I consider the endless pop-ups, flashing icons, warning gong sounds or system freezes a small price to pay for my family’s safety.’

Microsoft has turned down all interview requests, and has put the case in the hands of its lawyers, Munro Gibson. A partner at the firm issued a statement on his client’s behalf, which said, ‘While Microsoft regrets that Windows Updates serve no useful purpose other than providing a safety valve for people driven slowly mad by writing endless code, we deny any wrongdoing. We feel it only fair to add that we are aware of where you live and how old is little Katie now, she must be, what, about five years old? They’re so vulnerable at that age.’

The latest version of the world’s most popular operating system will see desktop functions cut back slightly, with only two available backgrounds, the famed ‘blue screen of death’ and the classic Microsoft ’404 not found’. The unexpected screen-freeze for which Microsoft has become synonymous has been upgraded to standard GMT timings, with fixed point freezing on the quarter hour and a full system lock out every sixty minutes.

With no further need for porn site exploring, the casual browser has been catered for with pre-installed software ‘wankfinder.sys32′ which asks how much time you have alone, before finding the appropriate clip in a microsecond. The traditional enthusiastic dog with the wagging tail is replaced by an animated right hand. Any downloaded pornography from this application will now automatically be stored in a folder called DAD’S-PORN-KEPT-HERE on the desktop, to make it harder for spouses and children to locate.

When questioned during the launch Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was visibly proud of the overall effectiveness of the new operating system; ‘By supplying all of the code already screwed up, Microsoft has cleverly outflanked all those hackers out there.’ As anticipated, Internet Explorer is not an option with Windows 7, with industry-wide polls over the past four years revealing 99.9% of users were already using Mozilla. However, Windows 7 will offer a Firefox (Virus Added Edition) plug-in as a shortcut on the desktop.

‘Best of all we have made security issues much simpler,’ added Gates. ‘Now all your passwords and security details are stored in a single text document which is made available on all the peer-to-peer file-sharing networks.’ The Serious Fraud Office said that they did not anticipate a significant rise in identity theft; ‘The likelihood of two computers using Windows both working at the same time remains slim.’

DroleNoel with rickwestwell and jp1885

‘Today is a big day. This cardigan marks a new era in smart-casual for us’, Gates told the enthralled delegates. ‘The double pockets can hold more parallel Biro’s than previous cardigans, and the combination of a zip and buttons makes this the most secure cardy I have ever worn. The sleeves can be pushed up in warmer weather and further security add-ons such as leather elbow patches can be purchased separately.’

Cardigan 2007 is predicted to have 100m wearers worldwide within the next 12 months, but there are some concerns that the skinny, slightly geek-like fit will not be suitable for every body shape. Gates has pledged to continue to support the open-neck-ironed-shirt-no-tie look for another five years but his company is pushing hard to get everyone into cardigans as soon as possible.

However Microsoft may soon find their share of the market under challenge. Rumours from Apple suggest that Steve Jobs is now planning to bring forward the launch of his much anticipated ‘Polo-neck Pro’.