‘This is redlegless, wreckledess,’ said James Callahan. ‘I’m not getting laid, sorry paid, for being here, and I’ve had to play for the bloody meal too. It says it is only half-two now which is a parrotly too early doors for us to knock one off early, I mean knock off.’
Posted: Dec 19th, 2014
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‘In many respects, it’s ideal for us,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s time-efficient, there’s no need for introductions and we can get right down to the business of dumping the lady in a sack. Nothing says fun-loving guy like a fundamental hatred of Western civilisation.’
Posted: Oct 25th, 2014
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In a commitment to addressing inequality, English theatres are to stage an extensive programme of gender-neutral plays, including ‘The Importance of Being Chantelle’, ‘Romeo and Juliet Live with Sally and Margaret’ and ‘A Man for All Seasons But a Woman for All the Days Ending in Y’.
Posted: Sep 24th, 2014
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Roger Jameson, a 57-year-old chartered surveyor from Ryde in the Isle of Wight, who has been suffering with impotence for the last four months, has recently thrown himself into a frenzy of DIY and household chores in an attempt to hide the problem from his ‘delighted’ wife Sheila, 55.
Posted: Aug 12th, 2014
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Nigel Coggins, a 52-year-old office worker from Rainham, has told of his turmoil at trying to deal with the fact that he managed to live out his childhood years and survive the ‘dirty decade’ completely unfiddled-with by hands other than his own.
‘I was a normal kid just like any other. I walked to school alone from age five, I played out for hours on end until it got dark and went on many adventures with my friends. And not once did I encounter a sexual predator. I look back now and wonder how the hell I did it,’ said the father-of-two in disbelief.
Posted: Jun 10th, 2014
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