‘This legislation is essential if workplaces are to become somewhere people tip-toe through, unable to say a word for fear of offending that big gay guy on reception,’ said Equalities Minister Theresa May. ‘It will now be frowned upon for bosses to slap and pinch the bottoms of female workers, wink lasciviously at temps and mock lady colleagues with large chests. It also means disabled workers and older employees can no longer be referred to as ‘wheelies’ and ‘dribblers’.’

The news has been met with dismay by balding, overweight male employers in their forties. ‘This is disastrous news for us,’ said Ron Pember, who runs his own engineering design firm in Wolverhampton. ‘We have quite a few birds working here, a couple of kids who are a bit special needsy and an Asian fella, so our daily routine pretty much revolves around unsolicited flirting, casual racism and outright abuse. This law is nothing less than an attack on the cultural foundations of the British workplace. I just hope this doesn’t mean we have to stop ripping the piss out of those two Polish blokes as well.’

Paul Plumber, a 26-year-old advertising executive from County Durham, was equally displeased. ‘I’ve been told I can no longer laugh along with a supplier or customer on the phone before replacing the handset, wiping the smile from my face and referring to them loudly as a wanker. I can’t believe it. Until now this has been the only thing stopping me from coming to work, putting a pistol in my mouth and cocking the hammer.’

The Act will also see the removal of the pay barrier discriminating against employees who were previously considered a bit shit, lazy or ugly, so long as they make a sufficient song and dance about it.

‘What about people like Helen, our deputy manager, who’s been off for a month with stress?’ complained Mary Cook, an office manager from Birmingham. ‘She’s been seen in Morrisons and at the bingo, right as ninepence, but we’ve been told she is to be referred to as a valued colleague in a pressure-cooker role, not a malingering cow.’

But despite the criticism, the government is adamant that changes are needed if equality in the workplace is to be achieved. ‘What everyone forgets is that none of this would be necessary if offices weren’t crammed full of such insensitive bastards. Only we can’t call them that anymore. They’re now Visibly Unreconstructed Employees.’

Touchy!

Steve Lynch, 34, has been given the cold-shoulder by fellow workers after refusing to stop using female-only words in the workplace.

‘Why can’t I be bubbly?’ Lynch demanded, looking up from a magazine article on sluggish digestive tracts and ‘bloating’.  ‘I’m sick of being ‘great’ and ‘funny’ and ‘cool’.  And I feel I juggle, too.  People round here try to insist that I’m ‘efficient’ and ‘a great team player’, but there’s just no other word that gets across that slightly ditzy, only-just coping idea, so why should it just be for the girls?’

But his colleagues are unconvinced.  ‘They’re chick words,’ insisted Fran, 29. ‘It’s just not right.  And did you see how he slipped ‘ditzy’ in there, too?  Bastard.’

Later on in the day, a delivery driver was dropping off a package of stationery and muttered, ‘Alright?’ to Roberts as he passed his desk. ‘I thought he was genuinely interested to see if I was alright or not. I told him that I didn’t think I would ever get over the death of my mother two years ago and that also I was harbouring some dark thoughts about self harm but I thought I could control them for the time being without medication. He just walked off as well, having called me a weirdo.’

Roberts’ boss Fred Harper commented, ‘I think Jack has just taken people too literally when they have given him a cursory word in passing. No-one really actually cares how other people are, it is just a standard greeting. We have offered Jack some training to help him to interact more normally in future.’

Psychoanalyst Dr Karen Greber has studied human interaction for her entire career and is particularly interested in workplace dynamics. ‘Jack Roberts is a typical needy man,’ said Dr Greber, ‘but his faith in human nature is misplaced. Essentially we are all automatons just grinding through our daily lives so we can head home to even more drudgery followed by sleep riddled with nightmarish thoughts, only to wake up even more tired and slightly less optimistic than the day before.’

Roberts is philosophical about his experiences, ‘I think that there are some people who are good and who want to engage with others in the workplace. For instance Gary who is the sales director, he really likes me and always has a nice word to say, especially when I bring him a coffee or bagel back from the shops at lunchtime. I know that he’d talk to me anyway, it’s just that I was going that way and it isn’t any trouble for me.’

‘Okay, sure, I wear a suit like everyone else, but that doesn’t make me another office clone,’ said Colin, 29. ‘If you look hard you’ll see that I’m a little bit different, a little bit off the mainstream.’

Colin hit upon his quirky-but-understated clothing accessory last Christmas, when he was given a pair of cuff-links that featured Tweety-Pie on one arm and Sylvester on the other. ‘Everyone in the office loved them, so it just took off from there. I have rugby ball cuff-links, naked ladies, little computer monitors. Every morning the girls in the office ask to see my novelty cufflinks and always seem really amused by my choices.’

Despite his apparently mundane job, Colin had always known that he was something of a character and had previously experimented with bow ties and then conventional ties featuring cartoon characters such as Top Cat or The Flintstones. ‘The zany ties worked for a while,’ said Colin, ‘but sometimes in this job you are dealing with families whose homes have burnt down, or someone whose husband has died of a heart attack. And it didn’t seem right to tell her that her late husband had failed to keep up his life insurance payments, wearing a tie that featured Bart Simpson saying Kiss My Butt!’