‘It’s not good enough to have to wait a day or two for a response from a trusted and reliable source,’ said CBI Director General Richard Lambert, ‘but now Mr King’s put himself right there in the frame, things should go a lot more smoothly. When Gordon tells us we’re actually doing really well, Mervyn will be there with a bundle of notes from the OECD and IMF and will be able to confidently put his hand up to his mouth and cough the word ‘Bullshit’.’

‘Alistair Darling could also receive help from time to time as he’s struggling a bit, isn’t he,’ added Mr Lambert. ‘His growth forecasts seem a tiny bit out, and he’s having so much trouble adding up the numbers that the spending review won’t be finished until after the next election, poor thing. At least he can take some comfort that Gordon still thinks he’s the right man for the job,’ he said, at which point Mervyn King walked past in the background and shouted ‘Bollocks!’.

The scheme will soon be extended to other government departments, to ensure clearer communication and to avoid misleading the public. And for those with hearing disabilities, experts in social policy will also be expected to mime behind the relevant minister. In future when a member of the government says their policy is a success, we can expect to see an independent expert behind him, miming putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, pretending to slash his wrists or acting out putting a noose around his head as he sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.

‘This is just the first step,’ said a spokesman. ‘We’ve got a fete lined up, followed by a sponsored walk, a bring-and-buy sale, and an international five-trillion-bob-a-job week. The fete’s going to be great – there’s a ‘Soak the Pontiff’ stall. Where else could you throw a wet sponge at the Pope and help rescue global capitalism?’

Politicians were divided on whether the new IMF strategy, described as ‘back to basics fundraising’, would work. ‘The 2008 World Bank Bazaar was a complete fiasco’ said the French Ambassador to the United Nations. ‘Mr Brown’s marmalade stall made just 40 euros, and Mrs Merkel fell out with the South Koreans over who made the better hot dogs. It’s just not worth it.’

Other world leaders complained about the cost of the thermometer, built by Haliburton inc. at just over $1,000,000 per foot. ‘Perhaps we didn’t need this structure to withstand a direct hit from a Boeing 747,’ said the spokesman, ‘but it should last us until the next world depression in 2080’

As of last night the thermometer total stood at $1.50, donated by a Mr Mugabe of Zimbabwe.