NewsBiscuit » YouTube

Unscrupulous website accused of search engine manipulation (Bieber Gaga Free Games Twilight)

Textbook — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 22:55:28 +0000

Users of the internet, a demographic which includes teenage Asian lesbians, shoppers looking for cheap electrical goods and followers of eat-what-you-want wonder diets, have accused an unnamed online news outlet, described by its editor as the funniest website ever, of stuffing its articles with hot sexy phrases and references to the iPhone 5 so as to manipulate its rankings on the most popular web searches.

‘These allegations are nonsense,’ said the editor of the website, ‘just like most of the saucy gossip and unbelieveable celebrity secrets you read about. Our website is great for kids, families, parents, babies, pets, teachers, managers, countries and businesses and would never construct articles around the use of the hottest, sexiest language so as to make the website turn up in lists of most popular web searches or get mentioned on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, CNN, Google, YouTube, Wikipedia, the BBC or Al-Jazeera.’

The editor, who looks a bit like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Beyonce and puts his ripped six-pack down to the Easy 10-Step Abdominal Workout popularised by men’s magazines offering nudity, fashion and comedy, said that the accusations were worse than those levelled against Rupert Murdoch, Barack Obama, the royal family and The Simpsons. ‘I’m a big fan of Apple products, the X-Factor, Glee and cheap Viagra, and simply love FIFA, Harry Potter and dating sexy singles in your area, so these slurs really hurt.’

‘Far from being concerned with topping lists of most popular web searches,’ he continued, ‘my website operates with integrity and a simple noble aim to compile the hottest, sexiest, fastest, biggest, most popular, cheapest, highest quality news stories in one convenient place with a focus on celebrity gossip, how to attract women, SAT study tips, movie release dates, free music downloads, bus timetables, nude photos, the best Playstation 3 and Xbox games, and lingerie. It’s that simple.’

‘We make no claim to understand cloud computing and viral mobile marketing, to INCREASE YOUR MANHOOD TO MASSIVE SIZE or to be the hottest, sexiest, most popular web search,’ he added. ‘That would just be wrong. Apple.’

Textbook (hat-tips to ronseal, waylandsmithy, and rickwestwell)

U2 in groundbreaking concert as Bono invents moving picture system for the home

MADJEZ — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:00:16 +0000

The world watched in awe in the early hours of Sunday morning as rock band U2 unveiled their latest invention that allowed fans all over the world to revere their idols’ concert in Pasadena as if they were performing it in their very own homes, through the magic of celestial images transmitted over the ether.

The band are calling the concept ‘internet television’, taking the Greek word for seeing from a distance and the Latin for creating huge amounts of publicity for no particular reason.

‘It’s another miracle to add to the achievements of world peace and ending global starvation that all clearly point to Bono’s impending canonisation’ said a spokesman for Pope Benedict XVI, ‘particularly if he’s managed to work it as some kind of tax avoidance scheme in there too.’

MADJEZ

‘Hilarious’ YouTube clip not actually funny

Zadok — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 08:00:00 +0000

A clip on YouTube turned out to be not quite as hilarious as was promised this week. Alan Toynbee, 27 from Swansea spent the best part of Thursday evening telling his wife’s brother about ‘this absolutely bloody brilliant and hilarious’ clip he had spotted on YouTube recently. But when the pair went over to Alan’s computer and found the clip they discovered it wasn’t actually funny at all, just a rather annoying American teenager miming along to Depeche Mode’s ‘Master and Servant’ with a hand-puppet.

‘I could feel the back of my neck prickling throughout the clip’ said Alan’s brother-in-law Tony, 36. ‘We sat in absolute silence for about four minutes, getting more and more embarrassed as we attempted but failed to laugh. We both realised it wasn’t funny at all, even though when Al had originally described it, the idea had sounded quite amusing and I had laughed at his impression of it.’

Alan’s wife, who had apparently had six glasses of Pinot Grigio, arrived at the end of the clip and began giggling uncontrollably. ‘That’s not the clip’ Alan explained. ‘That’s just my screensaver.’