The International Union for the Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has downgraded the survival prospects of Liberal Democrats, declaring the species officially ‘extinct in the wild’.

Political conservationistshave been fighting for years to save the endangered creature (Latin name: Politicus ineptus) from dying out in its traditional habitats of university towns and the West Country. The few remaining individuals are all thought to be in captivity in a coalition in Westminster.

‘Less than two years ago the population was perfectly healthy,’ explained Professor Benton Fimber of the IUCN. ‘Their exponential decline can be explained by a genetic mutation in several prominent Lib Dems recorded in May 2010. The mutation proved to be the foundation for a symbiotic relationship with the Conservative species, Nastius partius Cameronensi.’

Fimber said: ‘It appears that these lesser spotted Liberal Democrats entered the relationship expecting to benefit from the experience of power, but they contracted other traits characteristic of their partners, such as infighting and general incompetence. When confronted by the new hybrid species, traditional Lib Dems unaffected by the mutation, seem to have topped themselves.’

Chinese conservationists have offered to take a breeding Lib Dem pair to Beijing Zoo. ‘They are a species most Chinese have never heard of,’ admitted an official. ‘But they possess traits of great interest to the Chinese people, especially their docile nature and inability to challenge authority’. Back at the IUCN, claims that the species will be extinct by the end of the current parliament have been greeted with indifference. ‘What do you want us to do?’ asked a spokesman. ‘No one else gives a toss, so why should we?’

hohum

The cancer is known to be particularly prevalent amongst the panda community, especially when kept in captivity. ‘The male panda has very little interest in sexual foreplay, is rarely aroused by the female of the species, has a very short penis and spends 10-12 hours a day foraging for food, which should make them feel quite at home here in Edinburgh,’ said zoologists.

However, it is not all good news for the cuddly twosome after US Senators demanded their extradition to the United States to stand trial for the part they played in bringing down the US economy.

‘The Paxman is an aggressive beast, especially when it believes someone is trying to dodge a question,’ said a police spokesman. ‘He is identifiable by his look of mocking disbelief, and under no circumstances should be approached. The public are in danger of receiving cutting remarks about their understanding of macro-economics or level of classical education.’

Johnny Morris, the BBC’s head presenter keeper, explained: ‘In the wild a Paxman is a peace-loving herbivore, but having been fed a diet of second-rate politicians and hapless students he has become a raging carnivore.’

This escape is part of an ongoing security problem at the BBC following a breakout from the Fiona Bruce enclosure last year. Luckily no one was hurt, and viewing figures for Antiques Roadshow increased significantly.

Immunis

‘When you’ve spent all week sat at a desk eating crisps, you don’t want to waste your spare time looking at sleek animals in peak physical condition’ explained Howard Holstead, the park’s head keeper. ‘I got the idea after telling a family from Dudley that our cheetah was the fastest animal on the planet, and the second-fattest kid called it a ‘vain twat’.’

Unlike other zoos, visitors are actively encouraged to feed the animals. ‘You’re never going to bloat a meerkat with salad’ warned Holstead, ‘but it turns out they really like Big Macs. The crowds love watching them sucking cheese out of each other’s fur or laying there, gasping for breath.’

The high-fat diet has caused subtle changes in the behaviour of some animals. ‘The meerkats seem reluctant to look out for predators, possibly because of the effort required to give even the less stocky ones a bunk-up into their tree. But the most interesting development is the use of tools by the chimps, they’ve learned how to break into the control room and order pizza.’

Holstead took a proactive approach towards animal rights groups and invited them to visit the zoo before they could protest. ‘They were ready to have a right old go’ he confirmed, ‘but when they got here, they were impressed with how jolly all the animals looked.’ Any thoughts of freeing the animals was quickly dropped by activists, once they realised just how big they’d have to cut the holes in the fencing.

Humphries has noticed a number of advantages as well. ‘Most of the animals can’t be bothered to escape, so we save a fortune on maintaining the cages’, he explained. ‘It’s now perfectly safe to walk through the safari park, where you can watch my staff shooting the lions with insulin darts.’

Not everyone at the zoo has embraced the new cuddly animals though, and Humphries recently had to fire the park’s dietician. ‘We need to make sure our animals receive a high percentage of fried food, but Mrs Griffiths was found to be preparing some meals by cooking them over a low heat, in a light bouillon. That’s the sort of thing that could completely undermine our efforts to introduce tubby animals into the wild: you’ve really got to keep an eye out for poachers.’

34 year-old Boston resident Carla Jones had her face torn off by the wayward chimp while trying to teach it peekaboo. To stop others aping the assault, doctors agreed to make her the stuff of nightmares. ‘The chimps aren’t going to mess with Carla again’ Said Dr. Majors, a leading plastic surgeon and casual vet. ‘One look at her massive, mandrill head and they’ll be running away screaming, just like her kids.’

Attacks by chimps are thankfully rare in suburban areas, but doctors didn’t want to take any chances. ‘It’s a complex operation, so we don’t want to have to repeat the work. Aside from the difficult neurological surgery, you have to make sure you get the face on straight before the glue sets.’

Consultants will take Mrs Jones to a zoo this week, to try and establish her new position in the food chain. Dr Majors is cautiously optimistic, but has warned Carla that further surgery may still be necessary: ‘It’s possible that a snarling, fanged mandrill face may be a bit too aggressive. If that is the case, we’ll have to consider toning it down by fitting her with a disarming big, blue arse.’

The medical team are pleased with her progress. Initial tests have shown that even a polar bear would think twice about confronting Mrs Jones, and her home life is starting to return to normal. ‘My husband’s been very supportive, and his night terrors aren’t so frequent,’ said Carla. ‘He’s even hung a tyre in the garden for me.’

The manic depressed bear is already a big hit at Osnabruck Zoo, Germany. Visitors were excited to see Herman in a manic phase today performing tricks, dancing and riding around on a unicycle. One visitor said, ‘This is so much better than last week when he just sat there rocking backwards and forwards listening to Leonard Cohen’.

Critics have asked exactly what the zoo is doing to help Herman. ‘We’ve tried psychotherapy,’ said Dr Lemper, ‘but so far he’s mauled three analysts and eaten the couch.’