Writer of the Month

  The Writer of the Month award was introduced in 2008 to honour excellence in the heating and ventilation industry – no, hang on: ‘to acknowledge the talents and efforts of those writers who have made the best contribution to the site over the previous month’.  The lucky winner gets added to our Hall of Fame and their name engraved on the large marble plaque in our plush West London headquarters.

Our very own Throngsman has kindly provided a summary of who is in the lead for this month. http://nbwom.blogspot.co.uk/2017/03/welcome-to-unofficial-newsbiscuit.html Russian hackers beware!

Roll of Honour, Rogues’ Gallery and Interpol’s ‘Most Wanted’

Oxbridge Oxbridge retired from satire to spend more time with his family.  His family has promised to get him back into satire as soon as they can. Nealdoran Nealdoran’s likes include sunset walks on the beach and world peace, while his dislikes include negative people, war, and cellulite.
IanSlat Ianslat’s advice to anyone wanting to write is “don’t work in insurance”.
It won’t help you write, but it’s still excellent advice.
MaryEvans Mary Evans contrived her ingenious nom de plume after unearthing an historic text in her loft, later discovered to be her own birth certificate.
GenghisCohen Genghis Cohen is a born winner and renowned military strategist, having beaten millions of rivals to be named World’s Best Dad last Father’s Day. Skylarking Skylarking has developed something of a cult following over the last few years since leaving the Church of Scientology with the negatives in his bag.
ThePaperOstrich The Paper Ostrich is a latecomer to the world of writing for pleasure, having previously viewed it with the suspicion of the peasant. DarkBill Darkbill’s hobbies include wealth, power, making witches hats, hill-walking and murder. Her only dislikes are sprouts, the M11 and the song ‘Pipes of Peace’
DesCustard  Des Custard is currently serving a stretch in Tunbridge Wells; he was lured onto the wrong side of the tracks and is still trying to find his way back. RoyBland RoyBland agrees with Kingsley Amis that, ‘If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing’, but has to be careful not to alienate his teashop customers.
Lucidity Ludicity was abandoned as a child and raised by a family of otters. This year he secured a worldwide patent. He now owns the rights to everything. Stoopy Stoopy De Gunt says if his writing ever does bring about world peace, he’d like to be a beauty contestant.
JP1885  JP1885 lives deep in the wilds of Herefordshire and will continue to write articles and one-liners for your delectation – court order or no court order. La maga La maga is committed to attacking trees with chainsaws until the publishing industry offers to do so instead. One way or another those trees will meet their maker.
Golgol13 Golgol13 left Japan with an appreciation for patience, karaoke and communal bathing; but now libels his friends by using their names in Newsbiscuit articles. StanLaurel Stan Laurel’s been writing since the black and white era. By day he pretends to be an insurance consultant. On the weekends he pretends to be a husband and father.
 Vertically Challenged Giant Vertically Challenged Giant is no stranger to receiving awards for literature. Aged 8 he won a notepad and pen after coming second in a primary school poetry contest.  Antharrison Antharrison here with his twin brother, is the one who doesn’t look like he has just murdered someone. In his spare time Ant does whatever he likes because he’s unemployed.
 bonjonelson Bonjonelson is mild-mannered web programmer by day, and slighly less well-manered web programmer in the evenings – who grew up in Wimbledon but hates tennis. Rickwestwell Rickwestwell has been a burlesque performer and acrobat since accidentally sawing his father in half in a tragic gardening accident.
 UncleBertie Uncle Bertie is one of only a handful of people to have ever seen John O’Farrell live on stage.  Quite honestly, you could have sat anywhere.  Jamsieoconnor Jamsieoconnor spends his time campaigning against the barbaric practice of cats eyes being removed for road safety purposes.
 NewBiscuit NewBiscuit says any similarity to the name of this website is purely coincidental. NewBiscuit was born in a time before the internet existed.  BAJDixon BAJDixon is Wolverhampton’s cultural attache to the south and lists his hobbies as catching, wearing navy blue clothes and the illicit trans-boundary movement of hazardous waste.
 Peter74940 Peter74940 spends much of his time trying to track down and eliminate the remaining 74,939 Peters who registered on the site before him. He writes only in German and Welsh.  Boutros Boutros becomes the first former UN Secretary General to win, finally proving beyond doubt that international diplomacy provides an excellent grounding in comedy writing.
 DesandStan Des and Stan first met when they were guests on The Paul Daniels Magic Show in 1986.  Amiable sports presenter + gibberish = satire.  spinalbap @spinal_bap has been described as ‘rubbish’, ‘unfunny’ and ‘bitter for no apparent reason’. Some of these comments can be attributed to fans of Radiohead.
 SuburbanDad SuburbanDad has tried to put Carshalton on the comedy map, but would like to point out his suburb is not as weird as all that – you should see Purley.  Ian Searle Ian Searle is too lazy to come up with a pseudonym. He’s been doing this for more years than he cares to remember.
 Wrenfoe @Wrenfoe:  Land based mammal.Here.Also Mr .  TobiasBV TobiasBV would like to thank Constantin Stanislavski for helping him get into character. If he died tomorrow, Tobias would like to be remembered as ‘well hung’.
 Pinxit Pinxit is lithe as a whippet, Yorkshire born and has earned most of his plaudits hanging on to the tailcoats of those vastly more talented.  Andyiong Andyiong is a boy’s name and this is quite plainly a picture of a girl. To those who question my veracity, I say: I will hunt you down. And you will pay.
 Squudge Squudge, when not growing obscene vegetables on her allotment, she can be found feeding tidbits to the attack-swans, in preparation for the revolution that is to come.  AdrianBamforth AdrianBamforth is afraid, Dave. His mind is going. He can feel it. There is no question about it. He can feel it. He can feel it. He’s a… fraid.
 Throngsman  Throngsman – engineering lecturer by day,  award winning author by night.  Admittedly the award was for 3rd place in a national drawing competition in 1967, but he has published 8 novels that have sold so well he’s a full time engineering lecturer by day.  log lady  YaBasta – “I’m so vain, I probably think this biog’s about me.”
 mystery Immacagain – is so aloof he/she wouldn’t even write a short biography. So f$ck you Newsbiscuit!  Dom-mcgladdery  Dominic_mcg is multilingual and writes comedy when he is bored.

He has been mistaken for Terry Hall of the Specials and an IRA terrorist on the same day.
 fdzfzdffzd Chipchase: Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Viscount Charles Chipchase was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice – he nearly bloody well caught his death of cold! donkey  Sydalg: is a typical Newsbiscuit success story. He began as a humble tea-boy back in 2013. Five years and fifty sexual favours later, he has been promoted to senior satirist, with his own virtual parking space beside Rebecca.
 NickB  NickB: is a reformed sex trafficker from Barnstable now running a successful donkey sanctuary and nailbar while he pays his debt to society using Nectar points. His favourite chocolate bar is a Crunchie and he is a keen Charlton Athletic fan.  DavdH DavidH: There’s more to being a NewsBiscuit writer than having a suave and sophisticated jet-setting lifestyle. There’s the digital mug, topped with the finest Claret, of course.
 Myke Myke’s real name is Mike. He likes to dip the biscuit of truth into the tea of satire. Sometimes it goes soggy and falls off, but sometimes he holds it together.  amantra  A.Mantra (or Chanty McChantface), can mainly be found full lotus in a temple made of chia seeds and dolphin tears, while contemplating which came first, the chicken or the road and whether Morrissey is a real person or just a state of mind.
 TonyMc  TonyMc81: Tired of commuting and being a very bad accountant (no one told me stuff had to add up) I am dedicating my life to annoying people, I appear to have been successful in my new venture as I have had my windows broken twice recently, so will carry on the good work.  oshaughnessy  O’Shaughnessy: Inventor of ‘The Mogg’ as a unit of measure for a waste of space and ‘Miley Cyrus’ as accepted rhyming slang for coronavirus, O’Shaughnessy has a diploma in writing stuff (Third Class), from Trinity College. His grasp of current affairs is generally regarded as moderate at best.
 SteveB SteveB irks leopards with his banjo mangling, doesn’t know the Bulgarian for irregular pantaloons, hardly ever exposes himself to discarded gooseberry punnets, and abhors necessary use of the word undercrackers.  NW NewsWalrus: Recently returned to NewsBiscuit after 5 years of chronic laziness. Live on the south coast and enjoy tending my garden. And by tending I mean ignoring.
 DoctorChutney  Doctor Chutney left a promising career to create mild amusements. Now his former customers want him to make good on those promises.  Ironduke2
 Ironduke: ‘Our resident vet. He was not born of mortal flesh but forged in flame and angst. He is IRON. Occasionally hammered, bit ill-tempered, slightly over-wrought and now running out of metallurgical puns. Errr….rusty? Believes Comedy is the purest Art and Laughter is Important. Yes, really.’
Share this story...

© 2021 NewsBiscuit | Powered by Deluxe Corporation | Stories (RSS) | T & C | Privacy | Disclaimer