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Nation breathes a collective sigh of relief as Colour Trooped without a hitch

Updated: Jun 5, 2022


A tense nation held its breath today as it waited to see whether the Colour would be successfully Trooped. But in the event it could have saved itself the worry and angst as the ceremony went ahead almost without a hitch.


Lord Chief Colonel Major General Lieutenant Brigadier Captain Colour Sergeant, Sir Rafe Tatty-Pubes, looking resplendent in his three yards of gold braid and four hundred service medals commented.


"It was a textbook trooping and carried out with aplomb and full ceremony. No one in the Royal Family put so much as a foot wrong. Not even Prince Andrew who very thoughtfully had the decency to contract Covid to help things along and remove any awkward embarrassment over a Buckingham Palace balcony appearance.


'People pour scorn on our rich tradition of pointlessly preposterous pageantry, but I say it's times like this that our Royals earn their corn. Faultless and perfect. Oh, excuse me, I've just soiled my underpants by discharging some seminal fluid.'


Meanwhile, Barry Shite, a costermonger from Billericay who's been camping out on The Mall since January 4th to ensure he got a good view said, 'I ain't got a facking pot to facking piss in. But I facking love our fantastic Queen, right? And my year ain't worth a fackin brass tack until I know that colour has been trooped. Sets the second half of the year up proper perfect, it does.'


Elderly Bishop approaching death, suddenly sees 'wiggle room' with right to die


The Assisted Dying Bill is receiving ringing from endorsements from senior clergy who are coincidently feeling under the weather, on route to a care home or are nearing the episcopal glue factory in the sky. Despite the word of God being absolute, they feel the gospel is less a set of rules but more of a guideline/cryptic crossword.


Said one Bishop: 'Heaven forbid that we’re making declarations of faith, based on transient personal circumstance. Oh, dearie me, no. Just because I've started peeing blood, my pacemaker needs replacing and I can't remember my children's names - doesn't mean I'm worried at death. Now...where did I leave that Swiss air ticket?'




Staunch republican forced to take two extra days off work



Gary Rogers, of Swindon has been labelled a hypocrite, a sell-out and a closet-royalist by friends and family alike, after admitting he's secretly looking forward to the 4 day Jubilee weekend.


Rogers, 55, a site foreman, has spent the best part of 40 years telling anyone who'd listen, and very often those who wouldn't, that the Royals are “just a bunch of parasites” and "we'd be better off without them, especially that Queen".


He would then launch into a well-rehearsed rant about how her kids, grandkids and the whole entourage were just “a bunch of nonces and skivers, sponging off the State”, and how we should “put them all up against a wall.”


He told our reporter, “I really wanted to go into work today but they wouldn't let me. The place is all closed up 'til Monday. Bloody Royals!”


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