Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer

In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.

The swap itself had many similarities to John le Carré fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.

Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’

A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.

Brits now stockpiling holidays in the UK

The cost of a good old British holiday is now so expensive that a house swap with the De Whistles at number 37 is the only economically viable option remaining.

Fuchsia Lipton from Guildford complained, "We really wanted to fly from Gatwick to Torquay with EasyJet. But a cockroach infested B&B with a shared toilet is now going for £2,046 a night, and there's a 2-week waiting list for cancellations. What the actual fuch? Are the cockroaches extra?"

Josh Lipton added, "We are convinced some people are stockpiling holidays just to stop others from getting in on the act. I mean, how can it be possible that the station hostelry in Crewe is fully booked right through the summer? No one in their right mind would actually want to stay there. Not even trainspotters like uncle Wilf."

"So we started eyeing up our neighbours' houses. The De Whistles have the only south-facing back garden in the close with a lean-to, so it was a no-brainer. We're going to do a house swap with them in July."

Leaning in, Fuchsia whispered, "They don't actually know that, of course, so don't tell anyone. They trusted us with their key to feed their kitties while they're swanning off to the Travelodge at Reading services on the M4. But they kept referring to it as going on their holibobs, and you can't let that shit slide. We're just going to move in while they're away."

It was not made clear if the Liptons were husband and wife, or brother and sister.

In space, it turns out, everyone can hear you scream

"ARGHHHH! Which one of you bitches left a chocolate brownie finger smudge on my kale samples?"

Astronauts working at 320 miles above the Earth's surface in oxygen controlled environments can hear each other perfectly clearly, it turns out. They can even hear the farty sounds emerging from 'Pooh Corner'.

"Shit on it! I've just turned the release valve the wrong way."

Even on a space walk, everyone is well mic'd up, and the rest of the crew are all too aware that you've just buggered up the mission, and possibly just ended their lives.

"Will you stop bouncing that powerball off the ceiling you annoying little shite."

And the advanced radio systems beam back every last swear word, curse and 'domestic' spat to hundreds of people listening in at mission control.

"NOOOO! Not the red lever..."

But it doesn't end there. TV broadcasts and live streams all over the world wide web ensure that potentially millions of people are listening in to your spacey soap opera expletives. The young children of Wheelock County Primary School just heard mission Commander Rogers scream his last breath as he was thwooped out of the spacelab hatch.

Now, finally, peace and quiet. No one has to listen to him bang on about how untidy the sleeping area is. Even though you can't actually leave mess lying around in zero gravity.