North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true

A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.

National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.

The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:

'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.

'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.

'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.

'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.

'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.

'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.

'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

American Pi

'If those goddamn interfering Euroland bureaucrat busybodies can change the inch to 25.4mm exactly, just to make their sums a bit easier, then we in the free world - i.e., not in the republic of Eurolandshire - can do the same.

'As from tomorrow, Pi in America will be 3.142 - precisely.  No ifs, no buts.  No more of this never-ending number of decimal places or 'irrational number' bollosck.  Irrational numbers are just that - irrational. Which means 'lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence' and 'not endowed with reason or understanding'.  We're going to fix that.

'The next thing we'll sort out is Plank's constant.  At 6.62607015 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, it's so small, it's not worth bothering with, and anyway it's metric, so it's got to be rubbish.  So we'll just abolish it, and save a ton of money.  No, not a tonne, just a good, straight ton.  Of US dollars, obviously.

'But e is a bit bigger - a more sensible size.  It just needs tidying up a bit.  2.718 should work just fine.  (Who the Hell is Euler?  Another goddamn foreigner from Europland?  You might want e to have a different value, but that's just Europinion.  We in America believe in democracy, i.e., doing whatever democratically-elected I - decide.)

'But the biggest and greatest, of course, will be the Golden Ratio, which I have decided will bea nice, round 1.6180 exactly.  Well, until I change my mind again.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Civil Service reels as higher level apprenticeships are scrapped

The Civil Service is horrified that the government has scrapped funding for higher level apprenticeships and for older apprentices.

A spokesman said, ‘The Civil Service has an excellent record of delivering apprenticeship places. Everyone in HR is doing an apprenticeship. The government is funding their MA courses and their PhD’s that are essential in getting them well paid jobs in the private sector.   Without the apprenticeship scheme, all these stupid old duffers won’t get any qualifications, and they will just hang around and block promotion for younger staff.

‘All professional functions will be affected – procurement, facilities management, organisational development, finance, talent management, equality and disability officers, LGBTQ+ champions, records management, and communications experts – all the critical back office functions that keep the Civil Service show on the road. This is a tremendous blow.  Without the apprenticeships to keep them busy, these people will be back in the office thinking up new and stupider ways to bugger up the Civil Service.

‘Thankfully, policy work is not affected.  All our policy staff are essentially untrained, including those with degrees in PPE from Oxford University.   They have always argued that their lived experience from the University of Hardly Any Knocks is the best training for thinking up dim-witted policies for their ministers. 

'So, going forward in the new world without funding for apprentices, policymaking will continue to be done by shadowy think tanks, and the civil servants will continue to present this work as their own.’

Picture credit: Wix AI