Britain mourns death of BBC man with a beard

The nation walked around dazed with grief on Sunday, and the cranes alongside the Thames were dipped in mourning at the news the BBC had lost one of it finest ever men with a beard and glasses.

'Nala Botney didn't play in an orchestra, compose any symphonies or paint landscapes, but he defined Britain's arts more than anyone else in his era with his huge talent for eating canapés in the Crush Bar at the Royal Opera House,' said a BBC chatbot set to 'tribute' mode.

Botney rose through the ranks of the BBC to become Director of Beards, Director of Glasses and Controller of BeardBC One and BeardBC Two.

'He was a genius at having lunch in the front of house restaurant at the National Theatre, wearing a beard, some glasses and a crushed linen jacket,' reminisced former chief BBC suit, Lord Tony Pin-Stripe.

'I will never forget the time I asked him at the Athenaeum: Would you like to join me in a strawberry and pistachio mousse?' continued Pin-Strip.

'If it's on expenses, then naturally, he replied. Classic Botney! What a loss he'll be to the central London culinary scene.'

Nala Botney thrilled Britain with landmark series such as 'Let's Gush About Ballet', 'Let's Gush About Opera' and 'Let's Gush about Annoying Interpretive Dances', which get repeated on BBC Four year after year until the tapes break.

Picture credit: Stable diffusion

‘You’re stuck with us’ confirm supermarket allegiance cards

Most shoppers would like it if groceries were cheaper for all of the customers of a supermarket instead of just those customers willing to swear fealty by having a small plastic rectangle to look after for decades or a phone app to update so as not to be financially shafted every which way when buying basic foodstuffs.

Dung beetle Martin Jones paused from rolling a ball of poo up a hill recently and stated that if they were told they could have a slightly bigger ball of poo if they kept hold of a plastic rectangle or a tiny computer they would say no thank you. They were surprised that humans would accept this tiresome life admin in perpetuity rather than simply asking for it to stop.

Supermarket allegiance cards trembled in wallets at the thought of being winked out of existence. They’ve been having a lovely life travelling about the place being credited with making food cost less when actually they are the middle man in an unnecessarily complicated system. The BOGOF gods of encouraging eating too much laughed reassuringly and said the juggernaut of data gathering has two accelerators and no brakes.

Image: Pixabay/reverent

Clown services to be cut

The Government is planning a radical overhaul of Clown Services with Juggling, Glittering and Honking all severely affected.

‘To be honest, I don’t know why we even have a Ministry of Clowning’, a spokesman told us. ‘It’s 2025 – can’t people make their own cars fall apart?’

Clowning is one of the last vestiges of the welfare state. Clown Services were famously ignored by the Thatcher cuts. She always defended the clowns in gratitude for their assistance during the Miners’ Strike, when they could be seen wading into crowds of angry miners with their big shoes flapping. Derek Matthews suffered ‘glitter eye’ at Orgreave in 1984; he remains bitter about the encounter to this day.

‘Those bastards showed us no mercy. Bucket after bucket of glitter. My mate’s deaf in one ear after all the honkings they subjected him to. I don’t even know why they were there – nearest circus were miles away, they just kept bussing them in. Well they had to, all their cars disintegrated near Barnsley’.

Most people remember the Clown Riots of 1991/2 when rampaging clowns rearranged place settings at weddings and stole some fruit. It was never returned. It’s probably poo by now. Does Britain face another Summer of Clown Discontent? We asked a police spokesman but he was eating a doughnut and we couldn’t make out what he was saying. Hate it when that happens.

Without government funding it’s feared that we might see large numbers of homeless clowns on our streets where they fall easy prey to morris dancers and slightly disorganised crime. One thing is certain: if Margaret Thatcher were alive today she’d be scratching furiously at the coffin lid.

Image: Pixabay/ jackmac34