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Assisted Dying to be offered to actors on daytime TV ads

Frank (48) has been involved in acting for as long as he can remember. He earns just enough from bar work to stave off eviction. He’s a slim, silver fox with a neatly trimmed beard – sexually unthreatening but with an aura of worldly success, as required for daytime TV. Occasionally he gets a role repeating a catchphrase on a car insurance ad or pretending to have mobility issues before beaming with pleasure at the wheel of a battery-powered death-trap. ‘Acting was all I ever wanted to do but if you pay attention in that Go Compare ad you can see the life leaving my eyes. Then I started to notice other daytime ads – all the actors are mutely pleading for death’.


Susan (56) has the sort of face other women find safe. Her biggest role this year has been for an indigestion remedy where she has to screw her harmless face up in part one and beam in part two. All of her roles have involved beaming in part two. ‘The indigestion face is easy - I just visualise the gas bill - but I’m finding it increasingly hard to show joy. Look closely and you can see that I’m dying inside. Ironically, if I had a proper role, one where I was meant to simulate joy whilst dying inside – think Alexander Armstrong in every Armstrong & Miller sketch – I probably wouldn’t manage it. That would need serious acting skills’.


Thousands of dedicated actors find themselves in a no-man’s land of soul-destroying work for largely worthless products which will only be seen by people who are, themselves, quietly waiting for the grim reaper.


‘I sometimes think they want us to look like we’re in despair, just to reassure the viewers’, said Frank. ‘That’s why I’ve asked for an amendment to the Assisted Dying Bill to allow middle-aged actors to cut to the final scene rather than having to pretend that organising their no-frills cremation in advance has brought them peace of mind. God, I hated that one. Plus I couldn’t afford it – they’ll have to dump me in the wheelie bin when it’s my time’.


Opponents of the amendment point out that daytime TV serves a valuable purpose in keeping old people out of Sainsburys during busy periods, and probably reduces the number of mithering phone calls you get from your parents. Remove the advertising revenue and the programmes would be even more low-budget shite than they are now, which might result in a tsunami of old people actually leaving the house and causing mayhem in their battery-powered mobility death-traps before finding out just how grim a no-frills cremation can be.





Government unveils new mental health strategy

With the amount of people diagnosed with mental health problems increasing, the Government has announced a new drive to reduce numbers which involves asking people to try not having the issues that are afflicting them.


"There's been a spike of people, particularly those still in school, who have been diagnosed as suffering depression, anxiety, panic attacks and all other kinds of mental illnesses" stated a spokesperson close to Health Secretary Wes Streeting "and after looking into the issue at length I've decided the best way to get figures down and improve mental health is to declare that these things aren't actually conditions and people just need to start cheering up"


Streeting's aide explained under his new mandate many forms of supposed mental illnesses are to be reclassified. For instance 'Depression' will be renamed as 'Really Fed Up', 'Anxiety' will be labelled 'Overthinking Things' and ADHD will be reclassified as 'Nothing a Good Telling Off Won't Solve.'


"According to some Reform voters I spoke to the other day, because we're very keen to know their thoughts on everything at the moment" the spokesperson continued "when they were kids if you misbehaved at school you were given a beating. Now you get a hug and are diagnosed with autism, and if they're thinking that then it's the kind of thing we want to put a stop to. I'm fairly certain if depressed people try getting out of bed and going for a walk instead of sitting around watching Challenge all day they'll feel much better.


"I'm not suggesting of course that schools should go back to beating troublesome pupils... not yet, anyway. I do know that the Reform voters are quite keen to bring that back to let's see what happens."




Keir Starmer to take smoking lessons in bid for power

Number 10 have confirmed that the Prime Minister is to take up smoking and being photographed with pints. Smoking teacher Curt Stephens, who coached the cast of Peaky Blinders in cinematic smoking techniques has been engaged by the Labour Party.


‘People think smoking is easy. I suppose it is, if you started young, like Nigel. Late adopters need to train hard, develop their technique, work towards a personal style. It’s the same with beer – you can tell when somebody secretly hates the stuff. If Keir wants power he’s just gonna have to do the work’.


Other moves to boost the PM’s popularity include artificial face leathering, a controversial cosmetic treatment which makes the person’s face look like an old leather sofa.


Mr Starmer has been taking speech lessons for many years without noticeable improvement to his voice, which still makes him sound like a librarian pleading with a mugger. Now he has to master new inflections and catchphrases, including “No, no, no!” (with a chuckle) and “Boring!” whenever he’s asked a really incisive question.


Party insiders are sceptical about the plan, which No 10 has named Operation Mincemeat after the famous WW2 operation where a dead tramp was disguised as a dead officer to fool the Germans.


‘It isn’t just Keir’, an MP told us. ‘Angela’s having elocution lessons, though that’s not going so well – she chinned her teacher this morning. She’s trying, though – she’s been walking round the office with a book on her head all day, reciting “How now you f*cking cow”.


The change in leadership style follows poll results which show that a majority of Britons would prefer a cross between Genghis Khan and Hugh Grant as PM, though they would settle for Nigel Farage - a cross between Adolf Hitler and Benny Hill.




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