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A well-known supermarket, that we are not naming (but it begins with the letter A) is rolling back its discount for public sector workers in the police, fire and health services.


A spokesman for the well-known supermarket (whose name also ends with the letter A) said, ‘We introduced the discount to recognise the amazing contribution of nurses, doctors and other health workers to the whole Covid thing.   We wanted to give something back, and we reckon we’ve done that.   So we are ending the discount to invest in low prices for everyone.  Not all heroes buy grapes.


‘We are withdrawing the scheme because it has run its course. The government has raised public sector wages, so nurses and police officers and firefighters can afford to pay full whack for their fruit and veg now. And it's been ages since Covid was a thing.  So.  That’s it, really.’


Industry insiders have pointed out that the well-known supermarket (which is run by a private equity firm that knows very little about retailing) may have other issues.


One insider said, ‘The well-known supermarket (which has its logo written in green) has raised concerns that the police don’t do enough on shoplifting. And one of its stores burned down last year, with firefighters arriving so late that they just brought marshmallows. And there is a story about a uniformed nurse who refused to look at a cut finger in one store because she’d just worked a 48-hour shift, or some other feeble excuse.


‘So there is a possibility that the well-known supermarket was just looking for an excuse to hike profits, jack up executive bonuses and screw the shoppers. So, business as usual, really.’




"Having been made aware of hundreds of thousands of people in the capital involving themselves in suspicious underground activity," Superintendent Dirk Dimm-Witt of the Metropolitan Police told reporters, "we took the imaginative step of cutting electric power to this city-wide criminal network to interrupt their operations.


"Our intelligence - although I use that term very loosely - identified that these villains were using several different lines of profitable criminal endeavour, which they had codenamed the 'Jubilee Line', the 'Central Line' and so forth.


"It is only after I had received a series of calls from the Met Commissioner, the Mayor of London and the PM, calling me the biggest Dimm-Witt ever to wear the uniform, that the nature of my error gradually dawned on me - viz. that I had mixed up the terms 'London Underground' and 'London underworld' on account of my being so incurably thick.


"I apologise unreservedly to the masses of law-abiding citizens left sweltering on subterranean trains and platforms at rush hour.


"And I warn them that it would be a serious offence to march on New Scotland Yard with pitchforks and torches, demanding my severed head in revenge.


"And they'd be pushed to find me there, anyway," said Dimm-Witt, "since I'm being sent on gardening leave for the next few months, back at my home in Berkamsted."




Avi Menschenheimer, CEO of the Coca-Cola corp, has made a unilateral decision to fire all the executives who work there.


“I just woke up one day and had a really obvious realisation,” he told reporters. “I mean, we make literally one product which has never changed in the slightest, apart from a blip in the 80s where we tweaked the recipe and instantly tweaked it back. It’s already sold everywhere in the world. Even in places where you can’t get water.


“Obviously we need some blue collar guys to run the factory where it’s made, ship it to distribution centres etc. But somehow the company has, like, ten thousand executives. What the hell do they do all day? Product development? The product never changes. Marketing? Who hasn’t heard of coke?


“So I tentatively suggested to the board that possibly some savings could be made, and they instantly presented me with a plan to bring in even more executives to conduct an “in-depth efficiency study”. And you can bet they’d have found a way to stay on the payroll when the study was over. So I realised the only way was to get rid of the whole lot of them.


“Now my working day consists of the factory foreman calling me up, saying ‘You want us to make some more coke?’ I reply ‘That’d be great, thanks.’ And then I’m pretty much done. Though I keep my phone on in case he calls to say ‘I forgot to ask, you want it in bottles or cans?’”




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