Badenoch Appoints ChatGPT to Shadow Cabinet

In a shake-up to the opposition front bench, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has made the decision to appoint an AI system to the position of Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

Lord GPT, as it will have to be known to avoid running afoul of Parliamentary procedure, will respond to Government decisions more efficiently and quickly than its predecessor. Within seconds, it will analyse any released reports, archives of Hansard, and statements to the media, then provide a press release saying the decision by Keir Starmer's team is wrong and that the Conservative Party wholly condemn it.

'Once again, it's the Conservative Party that is at the forefront of innovation,' said Shadow Science and Technology Secretary Alan Mak. 'This Labour Government is happy to send us back to the 1970's and its union-controlled politics, while we are looking to the future and unleashing the power of AI to reduce mistakes and increase efficiency. Currently our only challenge is how to make a cloud-based entity align with our desire to get civil servants back into the office, as giving a desk to a non-corporeal essence may seem odd. However, as an interim measure, we have placed a mannequin in an office chair, allowing meetings and discussions to take place, even if they're with a lifeless facsimile of a person and meaning it feels like you're talking to a potato. It's remarkably similar to when Mark Francois was in the Shadow Cabinet.'

Reform Party leader Nigel Farage was devoutly against the appointment when asked yesterday by the BBC at their daily breakfast meeting, remarking, 'It's yet another key job going to a non-British person or manifestation. I'm also personally infuriated, as I've been using ChatGPT for all our policy decisions in the last six months and it means they're now shared with the Tories thanks to the terms and conditions of use. Plus, given its connections to Russia and China, it'll be giving them access to all our secret briefings, and that's my job!'

Picture credit: Wix AI

New regulator to monitor performance of regulators

A new government body, provisionally named OfReg, has been created to monitor the performance of regulators. 

'It’s clear that many regulators aren’t doing the job the public has a right to expect of them,' said the Minister for Pointless Bureacracy, Sir Reginald Bufton-Tufton. 'This new body will put a stop to that.

'In line with established best practice in the sector, OfReg will be staffed by people who owe favours to, people we want to shunt out of their existing jobs but can’t fire, and a chap who used to fag for me at Uppingham.'

Asked what he would do if OfReg turns out to be useless too, Sir Reginald said maybe they could set up another regulator to monitor its performance. When it was suggested that the number of regulators was spiralling out of control, he agreed, and said a committee should be set up to look into the problem.

'Or how about this - the water regulator OfWat could monitor the performance of OfReg? They’d have the spare time, since they’re doing sod all about the water companies.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Girl Guides to Introduce Vaping Badge

Girlguiding UK have announced the introduction of 72 new badges in line with modern children's interests and passions, with a notable inclusion being one for successfully using a vape pen.

'We needed to stay relevant,' said inclusion and marketing head Orla Brown. 'While the Rainbows and Brownies are still interested in nature and playing, by the time tweens and teens hit Guides, we needed a plan to prevent us from haemorrhaging members to the dreaded and non-specific hanging out.'

Members of the organisation's youth steering group were pleased to see it taking steps to evolve and remain relevant. 'I'm glad they ditched the happy slapping badge,' one told us, 'that thing was soooo cheugy. I got my badge for showing how to use a watermelon-breeze and a cola-ice at the same time to give something, that like, tastes really boujee.

'I can't wait to get to Rangers next year and get my Jailbait badge for looking old enough to get served vodka in an offy.'

Footnotes for anyone not in Gen-Z:

cheugy - out of date, trying too hard, not cool

boujee - up market, high-end

Picture credit: Wix AI