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Embarrassment over footage of man at Coldplay gig

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A man was today hugely embarrassed at footage showing him in the audience at a Coldplay gig.


“Look, it’s not me,” he protested, as the footage showed him hiding his face the moment he realised he was on camera. “It’s just someone who looks like me. I’m in lots of photos with Jeffrey Epstein, that’s why I look familiar…


“Oh all right, it’s me,” he finally admitted. “But I only went because I’m having an affair with a woman at work, and she insisted. To be honest, it was a real wake-up call - until then, I was thinking we might have a future together.”


His wife has issued a statement saying she knew all about the affair, but seeing him at a Coldplay gig was the last straw and she’s now initiating divorce proceedings.



Too easy to become an MP in the UK, say benefit claimants

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Benefit claimants say that it is too easy for people to become an MP in the UK, as they set out proposals to make the process tougher.

A spokesman for the activist group said that there needed to be a ‘crackdown on rich people exploiting the system’.


In a speech setting out new proposals, the spokesman said, ‘Our Parliamentary system is being exploited by a whole bunch of rich people with no practical experience and second class degrees in PPE. The job must be done by people with better experience of real life.

‘It is not unreasonable to expect our MPs to have been to a state school, had proper jobs, used the NHS, and been through the justice system. I acknowledge that many MPs do eventually go through the justice system, but it would be much better if this happened before they got elected. ‘

Labour and the Conservative parties warned that the proposal could see talented and capable rich people being denied the opportunity to make laws, charge expenses and get good jobs in the city afterwards.



Virtue.AI will make you look great with no effort at all

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A new AI-driven app promises to make you look like a really great person without the slightest effort on your behalf.


Given access to your social media, Virtue.AI will post appropriate reactions of grief, anger or sympathy to whatever’s in the news, allowing you to remain completely oblivious to it. The basic free model will also wish happy birthday to your friends on the appropriate day, or congratulate them any promotion or life event they post about, whilst the advanced, subscription-based model can trawl through your old texts and emails in order to come up with a private joke, or reference to a shared experience, so the message sounds more authentic.


This has led to some concern that it might be embarrassing when you bump into a friend in real life, since you won’t know what Virtue.AI has been posting on your behalf. However, early indications are that your friend is probably using the same app to read and respond to your messages anyway, so they won’t know any more than you do.


This hasn’t stopped many users feeling it might be better never to go out in case they meet people they know, or indeed any other people at all.


“In fact,” said one heavy user, “I wish AI could come up with a solution to that awkward moment when the guy delivering your pizza tries to make conversation, rather than just taking the money and going. It always makes me feel very tense.”



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