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Royal Mail to stop delivering mail

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Pension fund and part-time mail delivery service The Royal Mail will announce its intention to cease mail deliveries completely. It will rebrand as The Royal to emphasise the company’s ‘agility and creativity’ while executives figure out what they might fancy doing next. The move follows a poorly attended Board meeting where several participants complained that they ‘hadn’t received an agenda, as per bleedin’ usual’.


A spokesman said ‘The Royal Mail is synonymous with excellent returns on investment, black-and-white cats and red vans. We also deliver letters sometimes, but that aspect of operations is really hitting margins’.


The company will focus activities on cool stamps, Postman Pat merchandise and attempting to break the Guinness World Record for most champagne corks popped in a twelve hour period. A Postman Pat movie is in the offing, with Pat’s secret lover, Mrs Goggins, being falsely imprisoned by the Post Office, Royal Mail’s evil twin.


The spokesman said ‘Critics will criticise, it’s what they do. Can’t they be happy for us? Just this once? We want to show the world that we’re less evil than the Post Office’.


In other news, privatisation is going really well.



Starmer Snap Election

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Keir Starmer has denied confiding to NewsBiscuit's non-existent parliamentary correspondent that, in light of the way he and his government have been thorough fucked over by his own parliamentary party in the past few days, he has been contemplating holding a snap general election.


'We have learned the hard way that having a massive parliamentary majority does not protect us from suffering the humiliation of defeat when trying to pass legislation' he denied having said 'so we came to the conclusion that the only solution would be to hold a snap general election.'


'With any luck, this would result in us having a vastly reduced, wafer-thin majority in the House of Commons.  We now know that this wouldn't make it any harder to pass legislation, and would at least make parliamentary defeat far less humiliating.  However, if we got really lucky, we might even lose a general election, and be able to let some other bunch of ambitious but deluded tossers take over.'


'A good outcome, even if we know that these naïve idiots will spend their entire term of office blaming their immediate predecessors for everything that they screw up; we'll simply adopt the Tory policy (copying the Lib Dems) of simply turning ourselves invisible.'




New Window based deaths to mix things up a little

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The signature death by window move of the Russian Secret Service has had a recent upgrade. To add a bit of variety, all man-verses-gravity-via-glass incidences are now even more surprising.


Many high ranking officials are opting for low level offices and therefore new window based life ending opportunities are being made available to them. The Minister of Special Operations was launched from a trebuchet though a sixth story window. A ground level based oligarch was smashed over the head twice with a patio door, a technique called “double glazing”.


A new Minister of Defenestration was himself accelerated into a new position when he was hit by a window installer lorry.


In a surprising move, the Minister of Bribes was killed with a saw whilst in his private jet. This seemed a little off brand for the secret service until it was found out it was Surface-to-Air Window that had brought down his plane.

Another self-made oligarch was found dead after having Windows Vista installed on his PC. Brutal.



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