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‘Epstein had no clients’ and ‘Kennedy committed suicide’, say FBI

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The FBI has published its long-awaited report into paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, concluding that he didn’t have a client list and that Prince Andrew’s £12 million donation to Virginia Giuffre was ‘an act of selfless generosity’ on a par with that time Jeffrey Archer gave a prostitute £2,000 because he thought she looked like she could use a holiday.


The FBI has also discovered that JFK blew his own brain out as his motorcade drove round Dallas, Donald Trump ‘definitely’ isn’t a Russian asset and Father Christmas is real.



Terrifying alien complains of “harsh language”

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Following an incident in 1986, when soldiers closing in on a terrifying alien were told they couldn’t fire their rifles and sarcastically replied “So what are we supposed to use, harsh language?”, the alien has complained that harsh language was indeed used.


Frequently breaking down in tears in the witness box, the homicidal xenomorph told the court that the soldiers said some very mean things, from which it has never quite recovered emotionally.


”I mean, I know I killed lots of humans, and used others as living hosts for my young to gradually consume from the inside before bursting out of their chests. But that’s no reason to be hurtful. Words have consequences.”


In other news, the media seem much more interested in what a musician said about the IDF than the fact that the IDF has killed 57,000 innocent civilians.



Palestine Action Man to be removed from shelves

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This summer's hit new toy, Palestine Action Man, is being removed from sale across the UK following a Home Office ban.


The plastic figure was modelled on an Oxbridge arts graduate with a trust fund, called Tristan, and came with accessories such as:


- ornamental keffiyeh and pretentious nom de guerre (Abu Saladin)

- wire cutters, for breaking into air force bases to spray paint on planes (Black September would have blown them up)

- opposable thumbs, for posting anti-Israel tweets with rat emojis

- eagle-eyes, for reading articles by leading left wing journalist Owen Jones


Also banned is Palestine Action Woman, a stockbroker's daughter figure from Chalfont St Giles called Poppy, who the toymakers designed to stand outside the BBC in London every day dressed in combat fatigues and banging a drum.


"There'll be no Palestine Action Man and Palestine Action Woman dolls on our shelves," said the owner of a toyshop in Hampstead.


"That's because the ones we had in stock were snapped up immediately by all the terribly earnest Guardian-reading parents who live around here."



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