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Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

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Occasional tennis player Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was surprised to turn on the BBC’s coverage of Wimbledon and see himself described as the British no 7.


”I played a couple of weeks ago, just to help out a friend whose usual opponent couldn’t make it,” he explained. “Before that, I can’t remember the last time I played. But apparently just winning that match, against an out of shape accountant in his 50s, has made me the British no 7.”


When Sawdust tentatively phoned the All-England Lawn Tennis Association, to ask if this meant he was expected to turn up at Wimbledon, they laughed and said that while he might be no 7 in Britain, he’s not in the top 500,000 worldwide, so he shouldn’t worry.


”Unless of course Cameron Norrie puts his back out again, in which case we’ll give you a call.”





LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

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A Los Angeles police officer who has exercised his right to remain anonymous so that he may continue his duty of shooting innocent people is suing news reporter Lauren Tomasi for $200 million in damages.


Referred to as Officer X in the courtroom, and wearing a hood with badly cut eye holes to mask his identity, the officer spoke via an out of work actor to disguise his voice. 'In one moment, I did more for that dame's career than she had in years. I made her world famous, and what thanks do I get?


'I could see that her report was going nowhere, so I deliberately raised my gun and shot her with non-lethal accuracy. The footage of her report went viral. Like global viral. Channel 9 News Australia should be praising me for the heroic work I did on her behalf.


'But their reaction was the opposite. I just don't get it. The trauma it has caused me is extreme. I'm now suffering from a medically recognised condition called LAPDPTSD. I did the work, and I haven't seen a cent or gotten any recognition for it. OK, the guys made me a special medal back at the precinct afterwards, but the chief says I'm not allowed to wear it in public.


'So, having shot her ass off, now I'm suing it off. And let this be a warning to visiting foreigners: if you don't know how the law works in America, don't come here.'


In response to the legal action, Channel 9 News and Lauren Tomasi released a lengthy statement, which is printed here in its entirety:


'Strewth.'




Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

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Controversy swirls in the aftermath of Glastonbury, after several music acts had the temerity to do something musical. Worse still, self-proclaimed anarchic political performers did something vaguely edgy, instead of three hours of crochet.


The crowd was heard to chant 'death to the IDF', which to be fair, is the one thing the IDF seem to like - and it does rhyme. This was followed by a rendition of 'f$ck off Keir Starmer' - started by his wife and children.


Others claimed that the band name 'Kneecap' is seen as incredibly poor taste, as opposed to Joy Division, which was named after a branch of the Women's Insistute. Complained one middle-aged journalist 'I've never heard anything like it before' - which is kind of the point.




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