‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Consumers report a 38% decrease in lingering eye contact and coquettish banter among the serving classes. A recent study suggests that an alarming number of self-checkout staff are refusing to smile with a raised eyebrow as you call for assistance.

They rarely lean over, breathing softly against your neck and let their fingers lightly brush against yours as you fumble for your credit-card. None of these minimum wage teases, seem to play with their hair anymore or laugh at our jokes. Instead, it’s all a perfunctory ‘Can I help?’ with no offer of a ‘Happy Ending’.

Complained one customer: ‘I’m not demanding special treatment – I just want a prolonged hug and my buttocks to be firmly grabbed. I tipped 10% - so the least I can expect is a foot rub. Just because you are poorly paid and half my age – does not mean you should not offer service with a smile – and become the mother of my children. Definitely that last bit.’

Photo by Simon Kadula on Unsplash

World endures 24-hour salvo of gloating from Trump

'I came, I bombed, I made everlasting peace everywhere,' bragged Trump to two dozen images of himself reflected in the lenses of television cameras in the Oval Office.

'No one makes bigglier peace deals than me,' he crowed, as a billion TV viewers hurled shoes at their screens in exasperation.

'And after I flattened Oslo with my personal fleet of Boast-2 bombers, people are saying I'm a shoo-in for the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize. They're already saying it'll be the last Peace Prize ever awarded, because we won't need any others after this.'

'We need regime change," said the Ayatollah Khameini, pulling out clumps of his beard in fury, 'because America has become a rotten, corrupt theocracy with a supreme leader who does nothing but worship himself.'

1000 MAGA supporters score a collective IQ of zero in Harvard research project

In what's being seen by many as something of a blow to Donald Trump's planet-sized ego, researchers at Harvard University have revealed the results of a year-long project to determine the size of the average MAGA supporter's IQ.

Professor Stanley Unwin told reporters. 'Quite frankly, we have been stunned by the utter stupidity of these people. Collectively, the sample of participants managed not to even score a total of one. Thus making our control example, a registered intellectually challenged amoeba named Cody, smarter than the entire group.'

Meanwhile Trump took a break from fomenting World War 3 to tell reporters. 'This is fake research. My people are smart. They're real smart. They're the smartest. Fact. Everyone says so.'

Photo by Natilyn Hicks Photography on Unsplash