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    • Steveb
      • Aug 16, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Deaths from lightning strikes while on the phone rebound since PPI calls stopped

    The number of people being struck by lightning while on landline phones at home has skyrocketed. During the PPI years, most people who still had landlines got fed up of answering calls urging them to make Personal Payment Insurance claims. Many simply stopped answering the phone. But now that such calls have declined, the number of people using their landlines again is on the increase, leading to more people being fried through their receivers.


    The issue is not so much that more people are snuffing it this way, more that few people knew it was a thing in the first place. Roger Payne from Crewe said, "Sure, dad always said to unplug the TV from the aerial socket during a thunderstorm. But he didn't say 'owt about not getting on the blower and asking your mate across town if lightning was striking them 'n all. What the bollocks?"


    A small number of clever clogs claim they always knew about Faraday cages, insulating footwear, and earthing. And not the earthing where weird perverts dig little holes in the ground and f@*k them. Like all golfers do. But an even smaller fraction of those people also knew that going to the toilet during a thunderstorm is only advisable if you don't mind a million volts up the anus. That goes for any water-adjacent activity in bathrooms and kitchens.

    When out and about away from the home, however, toilets can be a place of refuge and protection. As every tediously experienced golfer knows, 'Any portaloo in a storm.' Although, that is regardless of the weather.

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    • BangingOnAgain
      • Aug 16, 2021
      • 1 min read

    £6m mound of dirt 'absolute bargain' confirm London's 10k homeless

    London's ten thousand homeless have unanimously agreed that a large lump of dirt is a brilliant way to spunk six million quid.


    Ian, currently living between two bins behind the Oxford Street branch of Greggs, is absolutely delighted with the Marble Arch Mound: 'I was previously hoping that the local council might help me with a few of the basics like food and shelter, but now I've seen the giant hobbit hill in all its glory, I agree the money was much better spent on that. I climbed it straight away for the absolute bargain price of £8. It meant I couldn't eat for two weeks but it was totally worth it'.


    The homeless community have already offered up suggestions for other thrilling London tourist attractions that councils could spend money on instead of them, including 'Fatberg Mountain' in the middle of Oxford Circus and an installation of 'Thin Air' in Hyde Park. The proposal for an expensive 'Waste of Space' was dismissed as it was pointed out this attraction already exists in Westminster.

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    • Danny Soz
      • Aug 13, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday

    A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight's holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.


    Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, killing or injuring more than half of the population.


    A doctor in a local hospital said: "It's been pretty grim here for a number of years. When we heard that British people wouldn't be able to jet off to Benidorm due to uncertainty over the traffic light system, we couldn't just stand by and do nothing. So we're offering cheap accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.


    "Of course, there's a pretty good chance they'll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad's forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets, but at least the weather's good at this time of year, and they'll go home with a healthy tan.'

    A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office said, "We don't recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you're pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition, in which case, your body could conceivably end up like those piled high in our own streets during the third wave, although the prime minister has assured the country that this may or may not be the case if we all use our British common sense."

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